12 Tips From Workforce to Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2.If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps.
3.Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.
5. If you give me more that one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10.Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water with whiskey?
A: The Holy Spirit.
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Your dog cant watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead, and ones a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!…Aim!! …
Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!!…
Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!! …
…and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Dave.
Who?
Dave Aronson. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.
There are always a few clouds over everybody, says Morris.
Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.
He was something, huh?
He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood.
No wonder you remember him.
Well, I never actually met Dave.
Then how do you know so much about him? asks Morris.
Because I married his widow.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.