Just imagine if the following people got married…

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gyneas waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says Im gonna have a son coz my husband was on top!

Then the red says If thats the case, then Im gonna have a daughter coz I was on top!.

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries IM GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!

121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …

123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

A: Ones a busy ditch.

128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?

A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.

129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?

A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.

138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

139. Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Dont tell her to swallow.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. “Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

Un hombre llega a su casa y su mujer le dice desesperada:

¡Mi amor, mi amor, a mi mamá la picó un alacrán!

¿Cómo pudo picarla un alacrán? ¡Si había 4 en la cajita!

Dos tipos, uno de ellos ventrílocuo, que pasean por la alta montaña deciden gastarle una broma a un pastor. Haciéndose pasar por periodistas, le solicitan al buen hombre permiso para hacerle una entrevista a sus ovejas.

El ovejero accede creyendo que los sujetos están locos, pero cuál no sería su sorpresa cuando al oír que a la pregunta: ¿Señora oveja: Vd. cuando hace el amor, con quién lo hace? El animal, con un movimiento de cabeza, responde:

Yo, con aquel carnero de allí.

De inmediato, el pastor se levanta y, dirigiéndose a los pseudo periodistas, les asegura, muy nervioso:

¡A aquella negra no le pregunten que es muy mentirosa!

Resulta que en cierta ciudad se estaban registrando robos de chicos en la salida de las guarderías, por lo cual las maestras decidieron tomar precauciones y estar atentas en las salidas.

Un día, en la salida de los chicos, un señor muy pero muy obeso baja de un auto. Entonces, al no reconocerlo como el padre de algún chico, una de las maestras lo observó muy atentamente y luego, para confirmar si era un ladrón o un padre, se le acerca al hombre y le pregunta:

Señor, ¿usted espera un hijo?

No, sólo soy gordo, responde confundido el tipo.

Top 15 Signs That Youve Had Too Much Of the 90s



15. You try to enter your password on the microwave



14. You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.



13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.



12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back Whats for dinner?



11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.



10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.



9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.



8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.



7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.



6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.



5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.



4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.



3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.



2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.



And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90s….



1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

Heres a dilemma for you… With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one question, but its a very important one.

Please dont answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line – this is important for the test to work accurately.

Youre in Florida…In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. Youre trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is — its George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the worlds most powerful men.

And heres the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?