Old and New Jokes

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Im thinking, What was her first clue?

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I dont think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesnt even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I dont feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, I need a vacation. Im too stressed out. I think Ill go fishing for the weekend.

Okay, she says. Ill pack for you.



So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, Wow, I feel a lot better now!



How did I pack? the wife asks.



You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas, he replies.



No I didnt, she says. I didnt have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box!

A disagreeable task is its own reward.

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife.” said the man.

A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on whos mother tongue was the more beautiful of the two.

As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.

The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:

Island, island,

Grassy island,

Grassy islands bride.

The Finn answered first. His translation was:

Saari, saari,

Heinäsaari,

Heinäsaaren morsian.

Then came the Swede:

Ö, ö,

Hö ö,

Hö ös mö.

You might be a redneck if youve ever bought a used hat!

See you next month!

A Networkologists Christmas

Tis the night before Christmas, I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.

Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. No problem, I thought. Im set up with RAID

5.

But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! No problem, I thought. Ive tape backup to thank. And then I discovered my backups were blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days.

And nobodys tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.

Whats your problem? he asked. Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, so

I knew that this time bomb was going to blow. Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.

His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. Whoever configured this networks a jerk, He said with a 🙂 as he quickly rebooted,

Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO,

To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs! He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!

Technology often looks just like some magic To people who dont understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two,

Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! Were through! My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!

He said, Really, my friend, its not such a great trick, If you dont give up hope, focus on what youre doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING. And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!

Burger King wont let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but cant remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but cant remember how old your children are.