Old and New Jokes

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

There might be some matches in the top drawer, she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband? he inquired nervously.

No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend then? he asked. No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before the operation.

A man went to the doctors. The doctor came in and said, Well, Ive
got some good news and some bad news.

The patient sighed, Okay, give me the bad news first.

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

The patient looked very grave, and asked, And what are the good news,
anything to help me with the brain tumor?

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young
couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The
mans brain is $100,000.00 and the womans brain is $30,000.00.

Im glad to hear theres something you can do to help me, the man
replied, But, out of curiousity, why is there such a big difference
in the price of male and female brain?

The doctor replied, The female brain is used.

The Geologists Come-All-Ye (a folksong) by Brenna Lorenz
Come all ye lads and you will hear
About the life that we love dear,

Refrain: With our diddle-air-re-oh, falling rock away, knock it down,
Fall-di-knock-a-rock-away, me laddie-oh!

Geologists all bold and strong,
We are the subject of this song.

We get up with the rising sun
And map until the day is done.

We walk two hundred miles a day,
And study rocks along the way.

We fight our way through brush and trees
And slog through bog up to our knees.

When flies are thick, then we dont walk,
They carry us from rock to rock.

We swing our hammers with a whack,
Take home an outcrop on our backs.

Nine hundred pounds of rock or more
Is just an average daily score.

If we run out of food to eat
Theres always rock beneath our feet.

Theres nothing quite like granite stew
Though graptolites are some good, too.

In the evening to the clubs we flock,
To drink Dominion and Old Stock.

Heres to your health and our health, too,
May your life prove as good to you,

As our…

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. And the Americans, they are so friendly! he concluded. Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, …. Jose, can you see?

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you dont have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Una mujer le explica a la persona que está frente a ella:

Doctor, estoy enferma, siento un ardor en el corazón…

Señorita, en primer lugar yo no soy médico, soy el cantinero. Segundo, usted no está enferma: está borracha y, tercero, el ardor es porque tiene una teta metida en el cenicero.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Yo mama so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,

Spit em out, theyre assholes!

Higherarchy: government by the tall
Knockknockracy: rule by whoever is there
Maytreearchy: rule by a government that leaves in the spring
Hipocracy: rule by the in crowd
Plutocracy: Mickey Mouse government gone to the dogs
Woodstockracy: Free rule, man