A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.
So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.
The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.
Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!
The man agrees, and sells him the frog.
After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.
The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.
Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage
. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.
The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?
AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…….
What you resist, you become.
There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the mens bathroom was all filled up and he couldnt wait.
He looked over at the girls bathroom and there wasnt a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.
He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went ah. He pushed the second button and went ooo. Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, What happened?
The doctor said, Didnt you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?
It was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane.
Each parent took a kid
THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it
The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and should be parked in a garage when he is old enough
After their respective talks, both kids went outside to play.
Little Johnny comes running and screaming and locked himself in the bathroom.
Jane comes in with blood all over her mouth. Her mom asked, What on earth happened?!
Jane said Well, Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage so i bit off his back tires…
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
Proofread.
Q: Whats the difference between cell phones and tampons?
A: Cell phones are for assholes!!
Words From Famous Women …
Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb…and I also know that Im not blonde. – Dolly Parton
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, Ive done my job. – Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant – Carol
Leifer
Ive been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
Im not going to vacuum til Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me its because its cold in there. And Im like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore Im single – Lizz Winstead
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch. – Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.- Maryon Pearson
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming, he recalled.
Thats terrible, said Williams. Howd you ever get any sleep?
At five oclock I finally unlocked the door and let her out, replied Irvin.
You might be a redneck if…
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in".