Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naw
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now!
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Redman plugnplay interface.
They could still use Kay-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
would be the one after that.
Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
manager.
Instructions for use would include mash the control key.
You think proletariat is a type of cheese.
Youve named your kids Deduction one and Deduction two
Youve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
Youve ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend
Youve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, theyre
richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops jack-booted thugs.
Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of
bitches.
Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.
Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Tootsie.
You answer to The Man.
You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of Commies in my Neighborhood.
You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and
Ernie of sexual deviance.
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit…
You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.
Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.
When people say Marx, you think Groucho.
Youve ever yelled, Hey hippie, get a haircut.
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.
Youve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.
Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as a lying bitch while attending a
Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading The Bell Curve.
Youve ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the 60s and dont remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American Hero sticker.
Youre afraid of the liberal media.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates….
Youve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.
Youve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they dont even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
You cheer when a company announces layoffs because that means your
stock in that company will go up.
To all those Freshman note takers out there….heres an example of good
note taking :-)….
How to Take Notes
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:
Probably the greatest quality
of the poetry of John Milton, who
was born in 1608, is the combination
of beauty and power. Few have
excelled him in the use of the
English language, or for that
matter, in lucidity of verse form,
Paradise Lost being said to be
the greatest single poem ever
written.
YOU WRITE:
John Milton–born 1608
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:
When Lafayette first came to
this country, he discovered
America. The Americans needed his
help if their cause was to survive,
and this he promptly supplied them.
YOU WRITE:
Lafayette discovered America
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:
Current historians have come to
doubt the complete advantageousness
of some of Roosevelts policies
YOU WRITE:
Most of the problems that now face
the United States are directly
traceable to the bungling and greed
of President Roosevelt.
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:
…it is possible that we do
not understand the Russian
viewpoint…
YOU WRITE:
Professor Mitchell is a communist
WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:
The puissance of hydrochloric
acid is incontestable; however,
the corrosive residue is
inharmonious with metallic
persistence.
YOU WRITE:
Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of steel
dst@psuecl
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you bring?The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What did you bring?The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did you bring?
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, I brought these.The other two were puzzled and asked, What can you do with those?He grinned and pointed to the box and said, Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….
FRIEND 1: YOU KNOW I BELIVE SUPERMAN IS AN INDIAN
FRIEND 2: WHY IS THAT?
FRIEND 1: BECAUSE ONLY IN INDIA CAN MEN TRAVEL FASTER THAN TRAINS
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didnt want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, youll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. Thats what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with! I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe Dont you think it is about time you audited my return? or Isnt is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding? Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had n
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Dont cry its only a joke!
A un karateca, de cinco años de práctica, le preguntan:
¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testÃculos?
Hago un bloqueo con la mano izquierda y golpeo con la mano derecha.
A otro karateca, de diez años de práctica, le hacen la misma pregunta:
¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testÃculos?
Evito el golpe y contraataco con una patada en el aire.
A otro karateca, que tiene veinte años practicando, le hacen la misma pregunta:
¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testÃculos?
Nada, que se le rompa la pierna…, contesta ecuánime.
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, License and Registration please.
Its okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this, she said smiling.
Thats impossible! The officer replied, Ive never heard of such a license.
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.
She pointed to the bottom of the license, See? it says so right here: Tear Along The Dotted Line.
The patients family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.
Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.
For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.
All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patients daughter asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?
A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyre used.