Old and New Jokes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe Ill just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesnt have any shoes either!

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.

A man was making love to his wife and he exclaimed, I will love you to death!

The following night they again were beginning to making love and he shouted Ill love you till you scream!!

After he had done the same thing the third night, his wife pulled a feather out of the pillow and began tapping him on the head with it.

What are you doing? demanded the husband.

Comparatively speaking, Im pounding your brains out she replied.

A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time.

Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence.

10 months later the daughter of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him.

You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my daughter. Im going to kill you, you hypocrite.

No it wasnt me stammered the missionary Its just a freak of nature.

Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and youre the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now Im going to kill you slowly.

No, its true responded the missionary. Its called an albino. These sort of strange things happen all the time. See those sheep on the hill. Look, all the lambs are white except for one black one.

With that the chief looks around and in a conspiritorial tone replies, Look, Ill do you a deal. Ill forget about the baby if you forget about the sheep. OK?

In the begining, there was nothing, and the Lord said, Let there be light, and when He saw the result, He said This is good.

The next day, the Lord formed the earth, putting on it dirt and mountains and lakes and rivers and oceans. When He saw what he had done, He said, This is good.

Over the following days, the Lord created the plants and animals, the birds and fishes, and finally, man and woman. When He saw what he had done, He said This is good.

Then, the Lord said Let there be fun… and the lights went out.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Able. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, Whats that? Adam replied, Boys, thats where your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?

Fasten your sheet belts…

There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.



Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you. The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.



Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.



The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.



And there he also met the Mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.



The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?



The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY timesin arow?



Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with methirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.



Then the young fellow asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?