Old and New Jokes

There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?

The blonde, because she was

18.

I got this one from my Uncle over the Christmas Holidays, Ive no idea
where he got it from….

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why werent you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasnt too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they dont fuck around at those crematoriums.

You might be a redneck if youve totaled every car youve ever owned!

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in
search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became
aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.

In pain, she screamed, What the hell did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Tarzan always check for squirrels.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? said the officer.

Im going to a lecture. the man said.

And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? the cop asked.

My wife. said the man.

Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex?

A: Its called Wedding Cake

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

101. Bring in potential new roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, Oh, him/her? He/she wont be here much longer.

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

Steve, his wife said, while reading the newspaper, it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.

To which the husband replies, Sorry to hear that, dear. Im sure youll miss your mother being gone.

Dont force it, get a bigger hammer.