*** Signs that you just might have a drinking problem. ***
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THATS a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says Hi when you come in.
Hi ocifer. Im not under the affluence of incohol.
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
What do you call a Mexican woman with a dropped uterus?
– cuntswaylo
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?
My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.
Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?
I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
This is a good time to punt work.
It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.
When they got to heaven St. Peter said, Im sorry, but I only have room for one poet. Ill tell you what Ill do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word Timbuctoo. The one who creates the best poem Ill let into heaven.
So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view its destination: Timbuctoo.
Very good! says St. Peter, Keats its your turn. Do you think you can top that one?
Keats just smiled and started his poem: Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog is thrilled, This is great!
Will I meet her at a party? he croaks.
No, says the psychic, in biology class.
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some Useful Metric Conversions.
1 million microphones1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirdstwo kilomockingbirds
10 cards1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers1 pound cake
1 trillion pins1 terrapin
10 rations1 decoration
100 rations1 C-ration
10 millipedes1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents1 decadent
2 monograms1 diagram
8 nickels2 paradigms
2 wharves1 paradox
I hope this proves a useful tool.
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
– US Senator Jesse Helms
Consider the following facts about hamsters:
Theyre found mostly in peoples houses.
They come out mainly at night.
They run around like little wind-up toys.
They have two speeds: stop and fast.
They naturally avoid people.
If you try to grab them they dive into the nearest tiny hole.
Once theyve hidden they can be extremely difficult to find.
They seem to like living in what basically amounts to a pile of trash.
They eat little bits of food, crumbs, etc.
They tend to be brown.
They reproduce very rapidly.
Fear of them (and similar creatures) is not terribly uncommon.
Conclusion: hamsters are large cockroaches.
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves. Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives. For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000, replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains? Standard pricing practice, said the doctor. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyve actually been used.