Old and New Jokes

In answer to an advertisement for tough outdoorsy types, for a mountaineering trip, a frail, little old man appears.

The advertiser asks him, Well, how old are you?

The elderly fellow says, Ninety-two, I think.

The advertiser hesitates, decides to be polite and go along. So he asks, And are you in good health?

The old man says, I have such pain from my arthritis, and bursitis, and phlebitis, you wouldnt believe it.

And have you much mountaineering experience?

Ach, no! Im scared to death of heights! Such vertigo I have.

Have you any outdoors experience at all?

I get outside for five minutes, and I start sneezing my head off with my allergies.

The advertiser finally begins to lose patience with the charade and bursts out, Look, sir, I advertised for experienced mountaineers. Youre quite elderly, in a lot of discomfort, you tell me youre terrified of heights, and have allergies. WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

The little old man leans close to the other fellow, and says, confidingly, I came to tell you, on me you shouldnt count.

One cucumber was telling another my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.

The other cucumber said yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups til I puke.

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?

The third man turns to the first two and says, Well, Ill tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.

The first two men were dumbfounded.

Whoa! What happened next?, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!

Un papá le pregunta al pequeñín:

¿A qué juegas, mhijo

A que soy niña.

Furioso, el papá le pega y vuelve a preguntarle:

A ver, hijo, ¿a qué dices que juegas?

Llorando por la golpiza, el niño responde:

¡A que soy una Totuga Niña!

La mujer de Bonifacio le pregunta:

¿Por qué las mujeres prefieren hablar del amor y los hombres sólo quieren hablar de sexo?

Es que las mujeres nunca dicen lo que piensan, le responde su media naranja.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.



The old man looks at his son and asks…

Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?



The man curls his eyebrows and asks huh?

The old man gets up and says wait right here.



About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.



The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:



Ok, heres how it works…

If the boy grabs the beer hes gonna be a drunk.

If he grabs the cards hes gonna be a gambler.

If he grabs the bible hes gonna be a preacher.



The baby stares at the items for a moment.

He then reaches out and grabs all three items.



The old man shouts…

HOT DANG SON – HES A DEMOCRAT!

Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

A truck driver was doing a cross country haul
and he hated [ethnics] with a passion. Every time
he saw an [ethnic] hitch hiking he would swerve
off the road and hit them.

This had gone on
for about 7 or 8 hours when he saw a pastor
hitch hiking. He had to pick him up but he
wondered what he would do about the blood, he
decided to not to make conversation of it and
picked up the pastor. Luckily enough the
pastor didnt seem to notice.

About 20 minutes
later the truck driver spotted another
hitch hiker and thought Maybe if I act
like Im falling asleep at the wheel I can
swerve off the road and hit him.

So he then
proceded to act like he was falling asleep
and swerve off the road. Two seconds later
he heard a loud thump and looked up excitedly
and said Did I get em!

The pastor looked
up and said No my son,
but I got him with the door.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.