Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you shouldve seen the line outside the producers hotel room.
29
May
29
May
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware
I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.
29
May
La maestra les pide a los alumnos un proyecto de investigación en el que comprueben una hipótesis y sea expuesto en clase. Al dÃa siguiente, Pepito llega con un cangrejo; lo coloca sobre una mesa; le arranca 2 patitas y le ordena:
Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.
El pobre animal hace un esfuerzo y logra caminar. Extrañada, la maestra le cuestiona que qué quiere probar con eso.
Espere un momento y lo verá.
Entonces, Pepito le arranca otras dos patas al crustáceo y le vuelve a ordenar:
Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.
Con tan sólo dos patas, el bicho logra camina con bastante dificultad.
¿Qué quieres probar con esto?, interrumpe la maestra, reiterando la pregunta.
Espere un momento.
Y, por si fuera poco, le arranca las últimas dos patas sin contemplaciones y nuevamente le ordena:
Cangrejito camina, cangrejito camina.
Molesta y sin comprender, la maestra insiste:
Ahora sÃ, Pepito, ¿cuál es la conclusión del proyecto?
¡Qué cuando el cangrejo pierde todas las patas se queda sordo!
29
May
VasectomÃa: Los mitos y leyendas
1. La vasectomÃa hace lucir más grandes tus testÃculos, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Depende de quien lo vea, desde afuera se ven igual, pero al dÃa siguiente, sientes que te llegan a la rodilla.
2. Una vez terminada la operación, sales caminando, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Cierto, sales caminando, pero seguro llegas a casa gateando cuando se pasa la anestesia.
3. La vasectomÃa es una operación sin dolor, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Cierto, la operación no duele, pero la anestesia que te inyectan directo en el kiwi es una mentada de madre.
4. La vasectomÃa te hace ver más joven, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Cierto, después de que te rasuraron bien los kiwis, te ves como lucÃas en primero de secundaria.
5. La vasectomÃa se realiza con una pequeña incisión en los testÃculos, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Falso, se hace en un punto que los estudiosos conocen como ‘nies’, porque ni es un huevo, ni es el otro, ni es la pistola, ni es nada.
6. Después de la vasectomÃa, el miembro podrÃa decirse que adquiere básicamente un aspecto similar a Barney, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Cierto, la cabecita se queda morada.
7. El costo de la cirugÃa es muy bajo, ¿cierto o falso?
R. Falso, a pesar de que es una cirugÃa gratuita, en realidad te cuesta un poco más de un huevo, de hecho dos.
29
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Seville!
Seville who?
Seville you play with me?
!
29
May
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
29
May
In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brendas
phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husbands best friend, to
be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her
cheerful side of the conversation. Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that
sounds wonderful! Im so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!
She hung up the phone and her lover asked, Who was that?
She replied, That was just my husband, telling me all
about the wonderful time hes having on his fishing trip
with you.
29
May
AlabamaHell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
ArizonaBut Its A Dry Heat
ArkansasLiteracy Aint Everything
CaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
ColoradoIf You Dont Ski, Dont Bother
ConnecticutLike Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It – Yet
DelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
FloridaAsk Us About Our Grandkids
GeorgiaWe Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
HawaiiHaka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
IdahoMore Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
IllinoisPlease Dont Pronounce the S
Indiana2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
IowaWe Do Amazing Things With Corn
KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States
KentuckyFive Million People; Fifteen Last Names
LouisianaWere Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign
MaineWere Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
MarylandIf You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
MassachusettsOur Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)
MichiganFirst Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
MississippiCome And Feel Better About Your Own State
MissouriYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
MontanaLand Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
NebraskaAsk About Our State Motto Contest
NevadaHookers and Poker!
New HampshireGo Away And Leave Us Alone
New JerseyYou Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New MexicoLizards Make Excellent pets
New YorkYou Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney….
North CarolinaTobacco Is A Vegetable
North DakotaWe Really Are One Of The 50 States!
OhioAt Least Were Not Michigan
OklahomaLike The Play, Only No Singing
OregonSpotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner
PennsylvaniaCook With Coal
Rhode IslandWere Not REALLY An Island
South CarolinaRemember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender
South DakotaCloser Than North Dakota
TennesseeThe Educashun State
TexasSi Hablo Ingles
UtahOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
VermontYep
VirginiaWho Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
WashingtonHelp! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.Wanna Be Mayor?
West VirginiaOne Big Happy Family… Really!
WisconsinCome Cut The Cheese
WyomingWhere Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared
29
May
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me officer, whats the hold up?
The officer replies, The President just found out he was impeached and hes all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.
Oh really? How much have you collected so far?
Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.
29
May
Seasons Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens were boycotted, after the French insistance on continuing nuclear testing;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen and/or senators. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrifieced, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen and/or this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line…
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing) action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarves is the right number.