Old and New Jokes

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone.


Of course it wasnt good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.


Adam, He said, I have a plan to make you much, much happier.


Im going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.


Adam was stunned. Thats sounds incredible!


Well, it is, replied the Lord. But it doesnt come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that its going to cost you an arm and a leg.


Thats a pretty high price to pay, said Adam. What can I get for a rib?

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a man about eighty, slightly overweight and naked jogged by. One lady turned to the other and asked, What was that?

To which the other replied, Im not sure but I think it needed ironing.

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, Mr. Claus has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, … clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice stated, We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence.

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of mind control or a violation of the civil rights of children.

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis.

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

(This one was on the radio this morning. I didnt hear who
the originator was, so I cant give credit where its due.)

So this guy wants to have a luau.
He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm.
He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile.
He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins
swinging the pig around for a few seconds.
He puts the pig down, and says, Nope, not quite twenty pounds.

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings
the pig around awhile, and declares, This ones twenty pounds!
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone,
You cant weigh a pig like that!

Sure I can, said the farmer, Watch this.
He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.
The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth,
and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, This
one weighs twenty pounds.

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to
get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. She cant come out
just yet, the boy said. Shes weighing the mailman.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her foul language
your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one
youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen
your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater
you call the time you won a free case of motor oil the day my ship came in
you clean your fingernails with a stick and you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that
he was going to be stationed a long way from home
on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few
weeks after he got there he began to miss his new
wife, so he wrote her a letter.

My love, he wrote we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already Im starting to miss you and
theres really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that were constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had
a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, why
dont you learn to play this?

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he
rushed back to his wife. Darling he said, I
cant wait to make passionate love with you!

She kissed him and said, First lets see you
play that harmonica.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her shes pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?

A: Is it mine?

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:

Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.

Bueno… dígame primero la buena.

Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.

Pero bueno, ¿esa es la buena noticia? ¿entonces cuál es la mala?

Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.

Dos tribus peleaban desde hacía muchos años y una de ellas siempre resultaba masacrada. Un misionero decidió ayudar a la tribu más débil.

Buenos días, Gran Jefe. Te voy a explicar como ganar cuando uno es el más débil.

El misionero puso la mano contra un muro y dijo: ¡Golpea!

Tras dudarlo un momento, el Jefe se decidió y envió un violento golpe. El explorador retiró rapidamente la mano y el puño del Jefe se estrelló contra el muro. El Jefe se retorció un buen rato del dolor.

¡Ves! ¡Con esta estrategia puedes vencer a tus enemigos!

El Jefe entendió la lección y convocó a todos sus guerreros.

Escúchenme, les dijo. Tengo una estrategia secreta para vencer a nuestros enemigos.

¿Cuál es esa estrategia? le preguntaron todos.

El Jefe se puso la mano delante de la cara y les dijo: ¡Golpeen!