Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did Spock look in Kirks toilet?

A: He wanted to see the Captains Log …

Q: What do the Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

A: They both fly around to the dark side of Uranus and wipe out Klingons …

Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play? Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy, Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldnt understand Hindi had occupied his sons berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.

Santa Singh explained, That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
How was work, dear? his wife asks.
Listen! I dont want to talk about work! he shouts.
Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? she asks sweetly.
Listen! he shouts again. Im not hungry! I dont wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Cant I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, Well, I guess its that time of the month.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when were already there?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Un tipo está saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que está entrando. Éste le pregunta:

¿Adónde vas, te vas de tu casa?

Sí, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, además, me insultó, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…

¡Ea, una cosa así no puede ser! Mira, si a mí mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al río.

¿Y qué cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Two [ethnic] guys, Fred and Bob were walking down a street.
They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest.

Looks like shit Bob said.

Yup, yup, looks like shit. Fred answered.

Smell it, see if it smells like shit. Bob told him.

So Fred smells it and says, Yup, smells like shit.

Feel it, see if it feels like shit. Bob said.

Yup, sure feels like shit. Fred answers.

Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit. Bob told Fred.

Yup, yup. Tasted like shit. Fred said.

Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit,
feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit.
Bob concluded.

Im sure glad we didnt step in then.

Yo mama so fat that when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo, people walked by and they said, Look at the big hippo!

So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be damned if you are going to take that day off!