Old and New Jokes

Who do you keep a nigger from drowning?take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?

A: A brain tumor.

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

Two weeks ago, I said, was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasnt feeling too
hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my
wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for
me. She didnt even say Good Morning let alone say Happy Birthday.

I said to myself Well thats wives for you. The children will remember.
But the children came into breakfast and didnt say a word. And when I started
to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said Good Morning, Boss–Happy Birthday
and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know
its such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so lets go to
lunch, just you and I. I said, By George, that is the greatest thing I have
heard all day. Lets go.

We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go, we went out into the
country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, its such a beautiful day
we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not.

She said, Lets go by my apartment, and Ill fix you another Martini.

We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette
and she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable and I allowed her as I didnt mind at
all.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom
carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were
singing Happy Birthday and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

Pres says: You think were stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!

What did one casket say to the other ?

Was that you coffin?

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. Ill be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says: Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box!

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving

service.


A ragged man in the audience asked, What is there to be

thankful for?


Surprised, the minister replied, What is your name,sir?

Cause, was the reply.


Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…

Im blind and I have lung cancer


…or your family…


I dont have a family


…or your home…


I dont have a home.


Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks This guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: Shay mister, taste this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

It tastes like piss, he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: It is. How old am I?

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

Other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.”

Shouting out he say’s, “HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?