Old and New Jokes

Two Borg walk into a bar. One Borg says to the other, Did you hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?

The other Borg replies, Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is fusil.

A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey in a field nearby. Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.

The farmer who lived there ran out the door. What in the world was that?

Why, said the Borg, What else? Ass immolation.

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Happy Borg: &>

Sad Borg: &< Locutus: ;| Drunk or Stoned Borg: #) Borg on Acid: @)

• McBorg – Over Half a billion assimilated.
• Borger King – you will have it _our_ way. Special orders are irrevelant.
• FROM BARNEY THE BORG: We are we, we are we. Resistance is futility.

This one was recently reprinted in The Winneconne (WI) News, and was
originally attributed to Byron McNutt of the Vilas County News Review.

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There
were no injuries.

You use your own saliva to clean your childs face.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone elses kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

Youve mastered the art of placing large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud
in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since its the only one your
child eats.

You cant bear the thought of your sons first girlfriend.

You find yourself cutting your husbands sandwiches into cute
shapes.

You cant bear to give away baby clothes – its so final.

You hear your mothers voice coming out of your mouth when
you say, NOT in your good clothes!

You count the sprinkles on each kids cupcake to make sure
theyre equal.

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child wont get
that disease.

You hire a sitter because you havent been out with your
husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the
kids.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You say at least once a day, Im not cut out for this job,
but you know you wouldnt trade it for anything.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Felix!
Felix who?
Felix-cited all over!

What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.

Mi madre me enseñó moral:

No se pegue a su prima Pancha.

Mi madre me enseñó religión:

Mejor pídele a Dios que tu padre no se entere.

Mi madre me enseñó patriotismo:

No se pase el retrato del Libertador por el trasero.

Mi madre me enseñó a preguntar:

Pregúntale a tu padre con quien me monta cacho.

Mi madre me enseñó historia:

¿Quien le puso una cinta adhesiva a su padre en la entrepierna?

Earthly Drug Problems





Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.

After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.



The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:



Who is it?

Its Paul

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Paul?

Hashish from Morocco

Very well son, come in.



Who is it?

Its Mark

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Mark?

Marijuana from Colombia

Very well son, come in.



Who is it?

Its Matthew

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Matthew?

Cocaine from Bolivia

Very well son, come in.



Who is it?

Its John

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring John?

Crack from New York

Very well son, come in.



Who is it?

Its Luke

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Luke?

Speed from Amsterdam

Very well son, come in.



Who is it?

Its Judas

Jesus opens the door.

What did you bring Judas?

The FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!

QWhat do you get if one blonde blows into another blondes ear?

Adata transfer!

Drinking A completely inebriated man was stumbling down



the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the



gutter.





A cop pulled up and said, Ive got to take you in, pal.



Youre obviously drunk.





Our wasted friend asked, Officer, are ya absolutely sure



Im drunk?





Yeah, buddy, Im sure, said the copper. Lets go.





Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, Thank goodness, I



thought I was a cripple.