Old and New Jokes

The think positive leader tends to listen to his subordinates premonitions only during the postmortems.

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santas lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, A damn swing set in the backyard.

Excuse me? said Santa.

I want a damn swing set in my backyard, repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, Youll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Lets try again. What else do you want?

Little Johnny answered, A damn sandbox for the side yard.

You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. Im sorry son, I cant give anything to someone who talks like you do. Im not bringing you anything for Christmas.

Santa then called Johnnys parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying they didnt understand why he talked like that, and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck.

I know how to stop it, Santa said. Dont get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it.

The parents agreed.

Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, looking upset.

Whats wrong, son? asked his father. What did Santa bring you?

Little Johnny answered, He brought me a damn dog, but I cant find him!

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross
over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a
fair amount of damage is done, although neither driver is hurt. Its
impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his car phone; theyll be there in 20 minutes.

Its cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers
the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

Arent you going to have a drink? the doctor says.

AFTER the police get here, replies the lawyer.

A man in the house is worth two in the street. – Mae West

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you. – Mae West

I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. – Mae West

Its not the men in my life that count, its the life in my men. – Mae West

Men become old, but they never become good. – Oscar Wilde

A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Men…give them an inch…and they add it to their own.

I called my last boyfriend Miller Lite; tasted good, but wasnt very filling.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why cant they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.

A WOMANS GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: IM HUNGRY.
Im hungry. IM SLEEPY.
Im sleepy. IM TIRED.
Im tired. IVE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHATS WRONG?
I dont see why youre making such a big deal out of this. WHATS WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesnt look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LETS TALK, HONEY.
Im trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

One day, a blondes neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy.

Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

10. This is your captain speaking and I dont feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. Were cruising at an altitude of… ah, hell, I dont know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep em coming!
5. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! Were going to crash! Oops — is this intercom on?
1. Well be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. You understand it now? Mommy asks.

Yes, replies her daughter.

Do you still have any questions?

Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?

In exactly the same way as with babies.

Wow! the girl exclaims. My daddy can do ANYTHING!