Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really cant be cheated on … either you know it or you dont. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.

How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Pettys cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is The Redneck Riviera?
Whats that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
Whats the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang Your Cheatin Heart?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed The Bear?
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylors love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries The Grand Ol Opry?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat high on the hog?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant shade?

Score 3 points per correct answer. Youre given 1 point to start.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. The coffee machine is broken….

5. Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-laws death.

40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old.

Athletic… sits on the couch and watches sport.

Average looking… unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back.

Educated… will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. . . sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first… as long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun… good with a remote and a six-pack.

Good looking… arrogant.

Honest… pathological liar.

Huggable… overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Likes to cuddle… insecure, overly dependent.

Mature… until you get to know him.

Open-minded… wants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested.

Physically fit.. . I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet… has written on a toilet wall.

Spiritual… once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable… occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful… says please when demanding a beer

Q:hear about the carrot that died??



A:there was a big turnup at the funeral

Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!

This place looks like the wizard of oz on mesciline.

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it only makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

Why, youre such a sweetheart, the mother said as she drank the tea. I didnt know you even knew how to make tea.

Oh, yes, the little girl replied. I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldnt find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead.

You what? the mother screamed.

And the little girl said, Oh, dont worry, Mom, I didnt use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.

When kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of themselves, whats a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could result in a mess or a mistake. Its just easier to do everything for them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into that trap.

Your child needs his mistakes. Thats how he learns. So go along with the game every now and then … even if the tea you drink tastes a little strange.

— Dr. James Dobson

Child psychologist