Old and New Jokes

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?. Sure its easy. replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and youll be a Newfie. He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeons knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patients brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patients brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patients bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him Im terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain. The patient replied Quest-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

You fall off the floor quite often
The whole bar says Hi when you come in …
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
You have a Reserved Parking space at your liquor store
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You dont recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women

heard this on the radio yesterday:

WBGL … Broadcasting Gods Love in East-Central Illinois, West-Central Indiana … … and now, North-Central Uzbekistan!

Ms. Single Mother is drowning 100 feet from shore.

Mr. Republican comes by. He throws her a 50 foot rope, and says hes done his share, now she needs to do her part and meet him half way.

Mr. Democrat comes by. He thows her a 200 foot rope, then drops his end.

— Tony Compolo (heard on the radio)

We are a two-party system, so some day Labor will win. Our job is to hang on until they are sane. — Margaret Tatcher, 1987

After losing in 1992, Labor decided to try sanity, installing Blair as leader. — George Will.

An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. There are two things you need to make a
career in medical forensics. First, you must have no
fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same,
he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the
class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have
an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this
mans anus, but licked my index finger?

From the David Letterman Show:

WALDHIEMERS disease is what you have when you cant remember you were
a Nazi.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?

No, says Monica. Mustard.

Actually, God made Adam white because He Himself is white. Heres the proof:…

To Moses he said I am what I am.

If He were black, Hed have said I be what I be.

Estaba un señor reparando una llanta ponchada, frente a un manicomio; al momento de quitar los tornillos se le van los cuatro por una coladera. ¡Y ahora que voy a hacer!

Uno de los locos del manicomio se asoma por la cerca y le sugiere, Quita un tornillo de las otras tres llantas y los colocas en esa, y te irás con tres en cada una.

Oye, que excelente idea; y por que estás tu ahí adentro.

¡Estoy loco, no pendejo!