Old and New Jokes

These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On a movie theater: Childrens matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of Youre my one and only valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits — $10.00. They wont last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you cant read this, its time to wash your car.

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident. Then he said, Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?

A little boy raises his hand and says, If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car. Clinton says, No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try? A little girl raises her hand and says, If a busload of kids drove off a cliff. Clinton says, No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?



A boy raises his hand and says and says, If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up. Then Clinton says, Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy? And the little boy says, Well, it wouldnt have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldnt have been a great loss.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little M&Ms on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hepburn!
Hepburn who?
Hepburn and indigestion!

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

Alright, the lawyer says looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

What! That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.

Your right. Its mine.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

. . . On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again….

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. Look! he says, and pulls the cork out again, . . . On the road again . . .

The M.A. is totally unimpressed…So what? he says.

Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?, the guy asked. Are you kidding? says the M.A. Any asshole can sing country music!

Un borracho está tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando llega un policía quien le pregunta con voz enérgica:

¿Qué está Ud. haciendo?

El hombre voltea sobresaltado y balbucea:

Aquí, poli, tratando de abrir mi casa, hip.

Se acerca el agente con una lámpara e inquiere:

¿Con un supositorio?

Entonces, ¿qué le hice a la llave?, se espanta el borrachín.