Old and New Jokes

How many can you afford?



It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.



Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting

by standing up and shouting Objection!



Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.



Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the

ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.



Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying

power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb

burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired

the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.



Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,

one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,

one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one

to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to

change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.



How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, lawyers only screw us.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. My wife, the man replied. Im sorry, said Bill. What happened to her? My dog bit her and she died. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well. Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog? To which the man replied, Get in line.

Newlans Truism: An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick them to the wall

How do you get them down?

Invite a couple of Mexican kids over and tell them its a pinata party.

The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, Banana Split, please.

The lady at the counter replies, Crushed nuts?

The old man says, No, Arthritis!

What mightve happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

God speaks through billboards. New public service billboards created by a Dallas advertising agency (don’t know exactly who?) are getting big attention in Dallas AND in the awards annuals. Heres a list of the variations of the God Speaks billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included….



Lets meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God

Cmon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of Thou Shalt Not… didnt you understand?-God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, Ill make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That Love Thy Neighbor thing… I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and… -God

Will the road youre on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, youve got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think its hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where youre going? -God

(And my personal favorite)

Dont make me come down there! -God