Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldnt agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.
They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:
Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly,
to which the waiteress replied Bur-ger Ki-ng
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems.
Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied – Oh No! – thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess saying … Madam – I did not know there was a choice.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife.
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow,
hit my doorbell.
Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
You mean youre coming empty handed?
Its common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuits for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.
The repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscribers house. The phone didnt ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, the repair man found:
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jester!
Jester who?
Jester minute Im trying to find my keys!
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: Its all in the grip.
Una joven vio a un hombre atractivo en un bar, se sentó junto a él, ordenó una bebida y se presentó. Tras conversar por un rato, ella lo invitó a su casa.
Cuando llegaron, ella le preparó una bebida, encendió el televisor y se fue a poner algo más cómodo.
Al rato salió vestida con un negligee transparente, se paseó por la sala y anunció, ParÃs, 1998.
El hombre sonrió y continuó viendo la televisión.
La muchacha regresó al cuarto, se puso un traje de baño topless y anunció, San Francisco, 1997.
El hombre siguió viendo la televisión sin pestañear.
Entonces ella gritó, ¿Oye, cuál es el problema contigo?
El hombre se levantó, se bajó los pantalones y dijo: ¡Máquina podadora, 1996!
A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, What was in that sandwich you gave me?
Why? she asked.
Because it was disgusting. he answers. What was in it?
Crab Paste. she says.
Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?
The Pharmacy. she answers