I was in a chinese restaurant the other day when I called over the waiter and said Waiter, this omelettes rubbery
To which he replied Thank you very much.
squiffy – the only person I know who can post jokes from a job hes not at whilst at a job hes not supposed to be at…
Dont ask, its been ONE of THOSE days 🙂
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iglesias!
Iglesias who?
Iglesias idea I ever had!
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
You might be a redneck if…
You dont know what a redneck is.
Youre still upset that they canceled The Dukes of Hazzard.
You thought ER was ETs cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
Youve ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the Dukes of Hazzard.
You recite lines from The Dukes of Hazzard.
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is moon pie ala mode.
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools real men need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
Youve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanics shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,Looks like you just blew a seal.
To which the eskimo replied,No, thats just frost on my mustache.
A un hombre le toca la loterÃÂa y se va a celebralo al puticlub más caro de Madrid. Al llegar pide la puta más cara del local. El jefe le manda a una habitación y le dice que se vaya desnudando.
Aparece una puta vestida únicamente con un liguero y un delantal, tirando de un carrito de helados.
La puta le pone una bola de chocolate en la puntita del capullo, después una de limón, más tarde una de fresa, finalmente lo recubre todo con nata y lo adorna con sirope de fresa y dos barquillos. Entonces dice:
Y ahora, te la voy a comer entera.
A lo que él responde:
¡Estás loca, ahora me la como yo!
Q: Whats the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 30 pounds.
Dont stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
It got stuck in a bear trap, chewed off thee legs and was still stuck.