Old and New Jokes

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, Im afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: Mommy almost died this morning.

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

Well, mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, Oh Jesus!!! Im coming, Im coming!!! and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

Three old men were sitting on a porch."I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one."I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another."I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."

Little Cindy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one… a man on the bench across from him said, You know eating all that candy isnt good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Cindy replied, My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.

The man asked, Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?

Little Cindy answered, No, he minded his own damn business.

Theres good news and bad news, the divorce lawyer told his client.

I could sure use some good news, sighed the client. What is it?

Your wife isnt demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement.

And the bad news?

After the divorce, shes marrying your father.

– from Readers Digest, January 1996.

submitted by Steve Keuchel

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone.


Of course it wasnt good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.


Adam, He said, I have a plan to make you much, much happier.


Im going to give you a companion, a help mate for you — someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.


Adam was stunned. Thats sounds incredible!


Well, it is, replied the Lord. But it doesnt come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that its going to cost you an arm and a leg.


Thats a pretty high price to pay, said Adam. What can I get for a rib?

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a man about eighty, slightly overweight and naked jogged by. One lady turned to the other and asked, What was that?

To which the other replied, Im not sure but I think it needed ironing.

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, Mr. Claus has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, … clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice stated, We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence.

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of mind control or a violation of the civil rights of children.

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis.

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

(This one was on the radio this morning. I didnt hear who
the originator was, so I cant give credit where its due.)

So this guy wants to have a luau.
He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm.
He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.

The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile.
He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins
swinging the pig around for a few seconds.
He puts the pig down, and says, Nope, not quite twenty pounds.

He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings
the pig around awhile, and declares, This ones twenty pounds!
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone,
You cant weigh a pig like that!

Sure I can, said the farmer, Watch this.
He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.
The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth,
and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, This
one weighs twenty pounds.

The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to
get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.

After five minutes, the boy returned alone. She cant come out
just yet, the boy said. Shes weighing the mailman.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her foul language
your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one
youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen
your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater
you call the time you won a free case of motor oil the day my ship came in
you clean your fingernails with a stick and you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.