Old and New Jokes

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jethro!
Jethro who?
Jethro the boat and stop talking so much!

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because somebody shot the only one who had a dream.

3 nurses go into the morgue, and theres a dead mans body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says Im gagging for it, gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste, and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply Hes dead anyway, hell no bother. The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him We thought you were dead!, and the man replies,

After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldnt be dead either!.

She wanted to try a Vienna Sausage.

THEME SONGS FOR THE VIAGRA COMMERCIALS

– Written by Eric Targan,

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press reagarding the launch of Viagra, the new male impotency medication, its marketing department has been working vigorously to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the PR has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

(Special Thanks to Regina for her help)

I am a Rock
– Paul Simon
Suddenly
– B. Ocean
A Hard Days Night
– The Beatles
Please Mr. Postman
Cant Buy Me Love (Now you can)
– The Beatles
Do That To Me One More Time
– Captain and Tenille
Everlasting Love
– The Bee Gees
Take Me Out To The Ballgame
Let Your Love Flow
– L. E. Williams
A Had Days Night
– The Beatles
Longer
– Dan Fogelberg
No Ordinary Love
– Sade
Help Me Make It Through the Night
Love Takes Time (about an hour wait – according to Pfizer)
– Mariah Carey
The Power of Love
– Celine Dion
The Things We Do For Love
– 10CC
Weve Only Just Begun
– Paul Williams
Have You Never Been Mello
– Kris Kristofferson
Girls Just Want To Have Fun
– Cindy Lauper
When Im 64
– The Beatles

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patricks Day parade – at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you havent been carrying any before now.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Youre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayors first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, dont look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens dont have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a sports stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyre going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, Oh, Im sorry, dear, but Ive got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please.

The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldnt be any good. Ive got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check.

By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. How about it? he said urgently.

Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped. This is the third night in a row youve asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?

There were two good friends (roommates, actually) at a University. One of them was a Chinese and the other was a Jew.

One day they went drinking and had a little too much. Upon staggering back home, they got into some stupid mindless argument. One thing led to another and suddenly the Jewish guy was pummeling the Chinese. Finally, exhausted, the Jewish guy stopped.

The Chinese, black eyes and all, opened one eye with some effort and asked him, Why did you beat me?

The Jewish guy replied, That was for Pearl Harbour.

But they were Japanese, … exclaimed the Chinese.

Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing, replied the Jewish guy.

Some time went by. Again they went drinking and had a little too much. Once again there was the crazy mindless argument. They broke into a fight as soon as they reached home. This time the Chinese guy had the upper hand and almost did the Jewish guy in.

Finally, winded, the Chinese guy has to stop. The Jewish guy opens one eye and asks, What was that in aid of?

The Chinese guy replies, That was for the Titanic.

Incredulous, the Jewish guy says, But the Titanic was downed by an iceberg!

The Chinese guy replies, Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same thing …

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.Its terrible, she said, I havent moved my bowels in a week.I see. Have you done anything about it? asked the doctor.Naturally, she replied, I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.No, the doctor said, I mean do you take anything?Naturally, she answered, I take a book!