Dear God,
Make me less stubborn– If you can.
I aint broke, so why fix me?
No-one can move proverbial Rocks of Gibraltar.
I mean what I say, now leave me alone.
21
Mar
21
Mar
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!
21
Mar
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS. Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.1. Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman – No foreplay3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin5. Cant hail a cab – Impotent6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho9. Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow10. Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow11. Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm12. Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way13. Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed14. Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt16. Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only17. Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs18. Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation19. Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered – Will make you sleep on the wet spot21. Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you22. Changes tables – Nymphomaniac23. Drinks Decaffeinated. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)24. Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)
20
Mar
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lillian!
Lillian who?
Lillian the garden!
20
Mar
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his clients jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
Sure did, the juror replied, the other eleven wanted to acquit.
20
Mar
20
Mar
La mujer le dice al marido: Cariño, podrÃamos comprarnos una hucha (alcancÃa) y cada vez que hagamos el amor echar veinte monedas. Y asÃ, cuando acabe el año la rompemos y nos vamos de fiesta.
La rompen por navidades y el marido se queda asombrado de lo que habÃa dentro.
¡Pero si hay hasta billetes de mil!
La mujer contesta: ¿Qué te crees, que todos son tan tacaños como tú?
20
Mar
Estaba una enorme fila de gente que aguardaba para llegar con San Pedro, ya que él les dirÃa si se iban al Cielo o al Infierno, en eso pasa una señora y él le dice:
Señora, confiese el mayor error que cometió durante su vida.
La verdad, San Pedro, es que yo cuando me casé ya no era virgen, pero mi esposo nunca lo supo.
Está bien, hija, todos cometemos errores, adelante puedes pasar al Cielo.
La señora se va al Cielo; después de un rato, llega hasta San Pedro una mujer vieja, pero que aún era virgen y antes de que San Pedro pudiera decirle algo, ella lo interrumpe y le dice muy orgullosa:
Señorita vieja.
Al Infierno por pendeja.
20
Mar
Un matrimonio de gays decidió que querÃan tener un hijo. Contrataron a una mujer para que les engendre la criatura. Unieron sus espermas, los mezclaron bien y la mujer fue artificialmente inseminada.
A los nueve meses los llamaron del Hospital para decirles que acababa de nacer un varoncito. Corrieron llenos de alegrÃa al Hospital. Al llegar los llevaron a una sala donde habÃa como treinta bebés todos gritando y llorando, menos uno. HabÃa uno plácido y sonriente. La sorpresa se la llevaron cuando la enfermera les indicó que ese era su bebé.
Pero que bebé tan bueno, tan alegre! exclama uno de los maricas.
La enfermera responde:
Es cierto… ¡pero no vayan a sacarle el chupete del culo porque se pone como loco!
20
Mar
1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!
3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me!
Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!
4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.