Date: 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christs understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
That the title of the book be The Holy Bible and not as you propose, Hot and Salty – Our Sexy Saviors Saucy Story.
That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the virgin birth scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot.
That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised forthwith.
That the death scene to be pepped up as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.
That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.
That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.
And the so called Parable of the Leather Undergarment be removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesnt see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially Murderburger Hell-High and Slutslaughter – Slashin the Winded. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for Shake n Vac.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.