Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Detail!
Detail who?
Detail-a phone operator!

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.

Dear Mr. Crowell:

The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.

All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle yields the result that Santas location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is smeared out over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is smeared out within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.

In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?

Hence, to sum up my reply: Yes, Virginia, there is a Bob Knight, and there is an Indiana. Now, what were we talking about…?

Yrs sincerely,

E.B. Davis, Ph.D., A.B.D., I.D.I.O.T., Fellow

This man goes to confession and says, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the F-word over the weekend. The priest says, Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.



The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word. The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, And you got upset over that and swore? The man replied, No, that wasnt why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees. The priest said, And thats when you swore.



The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, No, it wasnt. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree. The priest asked, Is that when you said the F-word?



The man replied, No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.



The priest let out a breath and queried, Is that when you swore?



The man replied, No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.



The priest screamed, Dont tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?

A dog who bites off your arm and gos to get help.

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. Ive got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when youve been bad or good – so lets skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries …
4. Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, thats what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when youre sleeping – and you dont wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the nice list – Ive got you on my naughty list!
1. Wanna join the Mile High club?

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK…..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day. AT WORK…..You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK…..You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK…..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK…..You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet. AT WORK…..You have to share.

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK…..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK…..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK…..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK…..They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON…You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK…..You get fired if you get caught.

A young blonde woman walks into an appliance store and says, Id like to buy that TV the employee says Sorry I cant sell that TV to blondes. So she goes home, dyes her hair red and says Id like to buy that TV. The employee says, I cant sell that TV to blondes. So she dyes her hair black, goes back and says Id like to buy that TV. Once again the employee says the same thing. The blonde says Ive tried to buy that TV 3 times! How did you know I was blonde? The employee responds, Because thats not a TV, thats a microwave

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.