Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).

A dead Scotsman.

How many light beer drinkers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Jim Goldmans joke reminded me of an oldie but goodie:

Fred and Myra were residents at the local old age home. One day, Fred came shuffling past Myra when she waved him over.

Fred, she said, Ill bet I can guess how old you are.

Okay, replied Fred, go ahead. Tell me how old I am.

Well, you got to pull down your pants first Fred.

What are ya talkin about Myra?

I can only tell how old you are if you pull down your pants Fred.

Shrugging his shoulders, Fred obliges and pulls down his pants. Myra tells him to pull down his underpants as well.

Thinking why not? he pulls down his underpants as well. Myra peers at his privates, inspecting from all angles. She takes his equipment in hand, moves it around a bit, feeling here and there. After some of this manipulation, she looks up at Fred and announces, Youre 87 years old.

Astonished, Fred looks at her in amazement!

How did you figure that out Myra?!?!?

Fred — you told me yesterday.

Yo momma sooo poor that i saw her kicking a can down the street, so i asked her what she was doing,

and she said movin.

A: Theres writing on the whiteout.

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?

Morris replied, God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* … the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!

Wow, commented Dr. Cohen, Thats incredible!

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morriss wife. Becky, he said, Morris is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?

Becky replied, The darn fool! … Hes peeing in the fridge again!

In 1852, Boston police arrested Emma Snodgrass for wearing pants. In those days, women were not allowed to wear pants.

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

Wow, the lady said, I must have worn these when I was 183.

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, How old are you now?

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly. The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.
You son of a bitch says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again. He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.
Oh my god, I am going to kill you says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time. He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead.