Old and New Jokes

Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?

A: A watchdog!

Q: Why do male deer need braces?

A: Because they have buck teeth!

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 Passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said Im Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I cant afford to die so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world, so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I dont have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said Its Ok, theres a parachute left for you. The worlds smartest woman took my backpack.

7 things to do to when your ISP goes down



1. Dial 911 Immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean theres something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant youve been putting off.

You might be a redneck if…
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Father to son after exam: let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gorky!
Gorky who!
Gorky will unlock the door!

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks its five but as we all now its only him, so…

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks hell have to replace the whole socket.

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the womans appearance.

Honey, youre just a young thing, she remarked, but you look like hell. Whats up?

Ive been double-crossed, the miserable bride moaned. When he said hed been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end.