Old and New Jokes

Q: Why couldnt the negative pair square things away?
A: Because they had complex issues!

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy


2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven


3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things


4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want


5. Whatcha Doin the Wonderful Phrase


6. 101 Games to Play in the Road


7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher


8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork


9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games


10. Arthur Gets Hunted


11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi


12. Monsters Killed Grandpa


13. The hit sequel to Elvis is your real dad Mrs.Clause is your real Mom


14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul


15. All Guns Squirt Water


16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street


17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite


18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain


19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish


20. 101 recipies to make with Dog


21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree


22. The New Boy is Bad


23. Your Nightmares are real


24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs


25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis


26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender


27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..


28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption


29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap


30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower


31. Grampa Gets A Casket


32. Dads New Wife Robert


33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.





Mike:I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.





Rob:What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.





Miike:What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there.

I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Get one of those fake hands that you can hang out of your car trunk.
Paint a red/brown splotch on the back of the hand.
Drive a large nail through the hand, palm first.
Stick it under your trunk lid, per instructions.
Place a bumper sticker under the hand reading: I FOUND JESUS!

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
If your best Christmas tradition involves fire and reindeer meat.
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
If your favorite version of Babes in Toyland stars Michael Jackson.
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
If you get your Christmas tree from an empty lot, at night … the day after Christmas.
You might be a Scrooge, if your favourite version of Silent Night is sung by O.J. Simpson.

Whats the difference between a Train and Teacher?

A train says, Chew, Chew! and a Teacher says, Spit the gum out!

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,

A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.

It seems one night after gettin with his wife,

She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

(Penis, that is)

(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)

Well, the next thing you know, theres a ginsu by his side,

And Lorenas in the car takin Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.

(Curve, that is)

(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed Over There,

To John Waynes Henry that was waving in the air.

(Found, that is)

(By a fence, Evidence)

Now Peter and John couldnt stay apart too long,

So the Dick Doc said, Hey, I can fix your Dong!

A needle and a thread is all youre gonna need.

And the whole world waited til they heard that Johnny peed.

(Whizzed, that is)

(Even seam, Straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,

With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only one they didnt show on tape.

(Video, that is)

(Unexposed, Case closed)