Old and New Jokes

Un árabe atraviesa el desierto montado en su camello. Después de tantos días viajando ya quería tener sexo. Por lo que a cada rato mira hacia atrás, para ver el trasero del camello y profiere:

Mmmm, me tengo que coger a ese camello.

Un rato después, vuelve a mirar el trasero del camello y exclama:

Mmmm, ahorita me lo voy a coger.

Pero no lo hizo, y a los 5 minutos insiste:

¡Ya no me aguanto más, carajo!

Se baja del camello y lo empieza a abrir de patas. El camello no se deja y, después de tanto luchar para abrirlo de patas, el árabe quedó rendido.

Casualmente, pasa por ahí una rubia de ojos azules en su coche último modelo. De improviso, el coche tiene una falla mecánica y la mujer tiene que detenerse. Se acerca al moro y le ofrece que si él pudiese componer su coche, a cambio ella haría lo que él quiera.

El árabe responde que sí y, al poco tiempo, deja el coche como nuevo. Entonces, la dama se acerca a él y le dice:

Ahora sí, haré lo que tú quieras.

Contento, el morisco responde: ¿Lo que yo quiera?

¡Sí, sí, lo que tú quieras!

Pero, ¿estás segura?, insiste el beduino.

¡Claro que estoy segura!

Entonces, ¡ayúdame a abrir de patas al camello!

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.



When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.



He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.



He tells you that he has never told a lie.



A big sign in his office says: Dont ask me.



His Law Firm is Dewey, Cheathm & How!



He asks the Judge, How is your wife and my kids?



A prison guard is shaving your head.

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.



Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. I cant find it, he admitted.



The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said yes and goes on his way.



Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, I cant find it.



Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.



So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, Well, did you find it?



Tommy is quick with his reply, Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.

There was these three indians who each were going to hunt for the first time. So the first indian goes off into the horizon and comes back with a rabbit. The others are amazed and ask how did you catch that rabbit, the indian replies me go hunting, me follow tracks, me catch rabbit. The next day the 2nd indian goes off and give it a try and comes back with a buffalo, the others are astouned by this and ask how did you catch that buffalo, and he simply replies,me go hunt, me follow tracks, me catch buffalo so the third indian thinks he has what it takes and gives it a try the next day and comes back all fucked up, the others a laughing so hard at him that they wet themselves and ask how the hell did you get all fucked up like that and he replies me go hunt, me follow track, me get hit by train.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lima Bean!
Lima Bean who?
Lima Bean working on the railroad….!

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The waitress runs over and argues, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!

The blonde replies, No. I won a motor home!

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as one of our prizes.

Again the blonde says, There is no mistake! I won a motor home!

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

Hire a teenage while they still know everything,

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I wont be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and havent seen them since.

The weather isnt too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we dont make the last payment on Grandmas grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I havent found out what it is yet, so I dont know if youre an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, shes going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.

14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.