Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, A basketball coach?

Una prostituta va donde el médico porque se sentía muy mal.

Mire, doctor, me duele la cabeza, el pecho, las nalgas, tengo fiebre…

Bueno, bueno respóndame una pregunta: ¿En periodo de regla usted tiene mucha pérdida?

Doctor puede que sea eso, porque la verdad es, que las perdidas son de 200 a 300 dólares.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

10. Cats facial expressions.



9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.



8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.



7. Fat clothes.



6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.



5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.



4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.



3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.



2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.



And the number one thing only women understand:



1. Other women!

There was a man walking on the beach and he found a genie lamp. The genie popped out and tol him he could only have one wish because he had been granting wishes all day and was getting tired. The genie said think real good and hard then let me know. So the man thought for a little while then he said, I wont a bridge from hear to Hawaii so I can just drive there instead of flying. The genie said no way, that would take way to long. The genie said think of another one. So he thought real good and hard and said ok. I want the key to figure out a woman. The genie said, where did you want that bridge to go to.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

1. Say, Hmmm, Ive never seen that color before.2. Drop a marble and say, oh shoot!! My glass eye!!3. Say Darn, this water is cold.4. Say, Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.5. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?6. Say. Cmon Mr. Happy! Dont fall asleep on me!7. Take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say You got any more toilet paper over there, This sides completely out.

One hot summer I worked for the Lil Stinker company, a guy down the
street from us that pumped septic tanks. It actually wasnt a bad
job. Most of my day was spent driving all over backwoods San Diego
County in a big white pickup truck (San Diego County still had
backwoods then). My job was to get to the customer in advance of the
tank truck, find the septic tank, and dig down to the lid so everything
would be ready when Sweeney got there with the tank truck. The tank
truck was great–huge black monster with two white stripes running
down the back, a picture of a skunk, and his phone number. If you saw
it once, you remembered it instantly whenever your toilets backed up.

Over the course of the summer Sweeney told me a number of interesting
and possibly true stories. This has always been one of my favorites.

Sweeney got called out to this house in Rancho Santa Fe, a very ritzy
suburb. Typical problem, the toilets are backing up. Young husband
answers the door, tells him the tank is out there somewhere. Sweeney
goes out, finds and uncovers the tank, takes a look inside. Its got
zillions of condoms happily floating on top of the, ah, other
contents. Theyve floated up against the outflow hole, thereby
blocking up the whole system. Sweeney walks back up to the house and
brings the guy out to show him what the problem is. The guy is
obviously stunned, so Sweeney starts to explain that condoms dont do
well in a septic tank. The guy cuts him off and says between clenched
teeth, I dont use them. He thinks it over for a minute, writes
Sweeney a check for the full bill, and tells him to just leave it like
it is. To this day he has no idea what happened when the wife got home.

[Ed: Reportedly an Urban Legend]