Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!
Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.
Johnny says, You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you. His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, Son, theres no way! Ive been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!.
Johnny replies, Yep, Dad, I think I have. So his Dad thinks for a minute, I tell you what, when we see a woman weve had sex with, well clap. Johnny says o.k.
They continue down the street, Johnny says Hey look, its Betty Lou (clap). His Dad looks, Ya, I know Betty Lou (clap).
Look, says his dad, Theres Sally (clap). Johnny says I know Sally (clap). And theres Jenny (clap). His dad looks, Yes, I know Jenny (clap).
So Johnnys dad says Well, Son, Ive got to hand it to you, you havent done bad for yourself, but Ive got ya beat.
They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says Hi Hon (clap).
And Johnny comes in and says Hi Mom, (clap) Sis, (clap) Grandma (clap)
…and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured
the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavy drink.
Whats wrong? After quickly downing his drink, the
man replies I got home and found my wife in bed with
my best friend. Wow exclaimed the bartender, as he
poured the man a second triple. No wonder you need
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks
him What did you do? I walked over to my wife the
man replies, looked her straight in the eye and told
her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get
the hell out. That makes sense. said the bartender,
but what about your best friend? The man replied,
I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and
said BAD DOG!
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
A bit airy… remarked the American.
To which the Cockney girl said, ell yes! What did you expect – feathers?!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marcus!
Marcus who?
Marcus a book in the Bible!
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of youre out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind. The answer is blowin in the wind.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.