Old and New Jokes

(This happened about 15 years ago to my father-in-law, who worked at
the time for the anti-trust division of the justice department.)

The justice department was trying a case against a company in New
York, who had engaged the senior partner of the biggest law firm
there, Alan Dean, to defend them. My father-in-law represented
the Justice department.

There was a LOT of evidence and each side had their own idea about
how to refer to the exhibits. My father in law went by the school
of 1A, 1B, 1C, 2A, 2B etc, while Alan Dean went by A, AA, B, BB, BBB, C.

At one point, well into the trial, a piece of evidence for the
defense was labeled PPPP. The judge was about half asleep
but this reference caught his attention.

Judge: Mr. Dean, what number was that exhibit?

Alan Dean: Pee pee pee pee your honour.

(the courtroom and judge giggles, every time pee pee pee pee is
mentioned)

Judge: (smirk) Mr. Dean, please abbreviate your exhibit names
from, for example, pee pee pee pee to 4Ps.

AD: Yes your honour. Id like to display the next piece of evidence.

Judge: What number would that be, Mr. Dean?

AD: 4Q, your honour.

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, Son, how much do you make a day?

The guy replies, 150 dollars.

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?

Seen on a bloodied, ripped T-shirt: I LOVE MY PIT BULL.

The car wont start, said a wife to her husband. I think theres water in the carburetor. How do you know? said the husband scornfully. You dont even know what the carburetor is. Im telling you, repeated the wife, I m sure theres water in the carburetor. Well see, mocked the husband. Let me check it out. Wheres the car? In the swimming pool.

The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. And dont get a drop of paint on your habits, she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
Who is it? asks one of the nuns.
Blind man, comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. No harm letting him in, one says, and opens the door.
Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?

You gotta hand it to her!

A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,

Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We

dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and havent seen them since. The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
…the other is used to carry groceries.