Old and New Jokes

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. What is it, child? Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am. The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13
years to live.

You might be a redneck if…
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer puzzedly asked, How do you start a flood?

A friend of mine told me this one last night, I dont know where he heard it
from…

An virginal young lady (Lets call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend
in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course
of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like
to have a baby, she didnt exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is
very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming
pregnant:

Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
etc…

Madonna scrupulously follows her friends instructions, and sure enough, finds
herself guided into the mens room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that
the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act,
and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he
takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.

Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets
out of this one, wed better call him McGuyver…

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.



She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, Mister, Im broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, Im out of a place to live. Ill bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you cant come up with a reply to.



The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.



So she tells him, six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.



The man scratches his head and says, your right, I cant top that. and he pays her the five dollars.



Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.



On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says your on



Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.



The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you cant piss in mine!!

There are three little boys standing outside the first little boy says my daddy is best because he can drink 24 beers,the second little boy said thats nothing my dad can drink 48 beers, the third little boy said my dads got all yall beat he can eat a light bulb, the other little boys said how do you know this the little boy said well I heard him tell mom to turn out the light and Ill eat it

If brains were a job,Al Gore would be on welfare!!!

British Left Waffles on Falkland islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com