Old and New Jokes

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, Where ya going, boy?

The son smiled and replied, Im a-going courting Peggy-Sue.



The father said, When I went a-courtin, I didnt need me no dang lantern.



Sure Pa, I know, the boy said. And look what you got!

If two wrongs dont make a right, try three.

Q: Whats a brunettes mating call?

A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: All the blondes have gone home!

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbors car!

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

> From: joe@trinity.mpd.tandem.com (Joe Senner)
> >From ables@austin.wireline.slb.com Fri Dec 17 09:54:57 1993

Forwarded to me by Joe Senner, who got it from King Ables (addresses above),
who got it from someone else …

I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:

Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are
infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff hes got, he says, Elves
make it for me.
Santa doesnt care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied, Which one? We have –

Barbie goes to the gymfor $19.95 …

Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95 …

Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …

Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95…

Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 …

and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.

Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? Dad asked surprised.

Simple…Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture.

Hi Gigglers:

For the past two months I havent had very much time to submit anything to the list, but today I made the time.

Today is Friday the thirteenth as you all know. It is a day where over 21 million Americans stay home due to superstition.

Superstition : n : beliefs or practices resulting from ignorance, fear of the unknown, or trust in magic or chance.

In Quebec, the number 13 is fifth on the list of superstsitions. Knocking on wood is number one.

The number 13 happens to be a number of luck. Whether good luck or bad luck depends on the person who beleives in its power. I heard today that Italians consider the number 13 as being good for luck and Americans consider it bad luck (at least most Americans do).

Until today, Friday the 13th has always been a day of good luck. This morning as I was scraping the ice off the windows of my car, a police car drove up beside my car on the street. He rolled down the window and asked me in French (being from Montreal) Is there was water in your car?

I wasnt sure if I heard him properly, so I asked him the repeat. Again, I didnt think I understood his question so I asked him to repeat again.

Still not sure of the question, I went to the window of his car and asked him to repeat again. This time I was sure he had asked me if I had water in my car. Well, at first I thought this was a joke. So I figured Id go along with this and check inside my car for water.

When I opened the front door, I could see a little bit of water and ice crystals on the floor under my mat. I responded, Yes to his question. Then he asked me if there was water on the floor of the back seat. I openned the back door and found about an inch of water. I looked at him with disbelief. He then told me that a water pipe had broken at 06h00 this morning and caused the damage.

The good thing about it is that if it had happened the morning before, it would had been worse. It was -22C (-8F for the Americans) and colder with the wind chill. Today its -2C (28F) and raining.

Aways look on the bright side od life – song from the Life of Brian and one of my personal mottos.

Keep on Giggling…

A teacher asked her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals.
It was fascinating.

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate.

Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw
the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said, Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for
his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
fascinate so she called on him.

Billy said, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big
she can only fasten 8.