Old and New Jokes

Xerox does it again and again and again and…

Three blondes are walking down the beach And they find a magic bottle with a genie inside. When the genie comes out he says, Im a magic genie and I will grant each of you one wish.

The first blonde says,Ok, then I want to be a thousand times smarter!
Then,*POOF*, her hair turns brown and she goes off to become a brain surgeon.

The second blonde says,I want to be a million times smarter!
So,*POOF*, her hair turns black and she goes off to find a cure for cancer.

Then, the third blonde (a true blonde) says, I want to be a million times DUMBER!
And,*POOF*, she turns into a man!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!

Alice works in a chemists on Saturdays with her dad who is the pharmacist. One weekend, her dad decides to have the morning off and to leave Alice to mind the shop.

Now, pay attention, he says. Under the counter are two piles of brown paper bags with condoms in them. If a man comes in and asks for a £1 bag, give him one of the small left-hand bags. If a man comes in and asks for a £1.75 bag, give him one of the bigger right-hand bags. Got that?

Alice nods and dad goes home for a nap.

During the morning, Alice is doing a roaring trade in £1 and £1.75 bags. Nearing lunchtime, an enormous 66 black man walks into the shop.

Can I help you? asks Alice.

Yes, give me £3.50 please demands the man.

Alice looks the man up and down, looks at the piles of bags and dashes
into the back of the shop to phone her dad.

What is it? he asks. Have you sold all the bags?

No!! cries Alice. Theres this man in there asking for £3.50!

Ah, says the chemist knowingly. Is he a huge black man, about 66 tall?

Yes!! shrieks Alice, nearly hysterical.

Give him the bloody money then girl, hes the windowcleaner.

Daddy, why doesnt this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. REAL friends help you move bodies.
Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*^^^&# NO CARRIER
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Im not a complete idiot…some parts are missing!
Always remember youre unique, just like everybody else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Theres too much blood in my alcoholic system.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents mistakes…use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.
Double your drive space…delete Windows!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between drunkness.
I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When theres a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Intel: We put the um… in Pentium.
C:windows
C:windows
un
C:windowscrash

My girlfriend and some of her friends went in to Burger King a few months
ago, interested in getting those Barnyard Commandos that they were
offering a while ago. She walked up to the counter, asked for them, and was
politely informed that one has to purchase something to get them.

She then said, Sometimes you gotta break the rules.

She got them.

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho? Sardarji replies Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun

A man with a nagging secret couldnt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

What did you take? his priest asked.

Enough to build my own house and enough for my sons house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.

This is very serious, the priest said. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?

No, Father, I havent, the man replied. But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary cant believe it!

He says, Whats wrong with you? Were being boiled alive! Theyre gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?

The other missionary says, I just peed in the soup!

Al llegar al cielo había una entrada para hombres y otra para mujeres. Por la entrada de hombres, había dos puertas, una con un letrero que decía: MI MUJER MANDABA EN MI CASA, y otra con un letrero que decía YO MANDABA EN MI CASA.

Como es de suponerse, en la primera puerta, había una cantidad enorme de hombres esperando, mientras que en la segunda puerta, no había nadie. Un día un recién llegado al cielo tomó la opción de entrar por la segunda puerta. Todos los presentes se sorprendieron muchísimo, y cuchicheaban entre sí, hasta que por fin alguien se animó a preguntarle al recién llegado la razón de que hubiera elegido esa puerta, a lo que el hombre respondió:

Es que mi mujer me dijo que me formara aquí.