The night before Y2K
Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol Buggy
Wouldnt stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
No, his friend said, its named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.
Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?
A check.
Dont be so open-minded — your brains will fall out.
Whats the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?
One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.
Plane: How do you fly so fast?
Rocket: Youll know when your ass is on fire!
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week:
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 oclock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr … about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I cant say that.
Presenter: Theres a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) Weve got Brian on the other line, say hi
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, were going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I cant say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesnt matter. Ive already told Them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: Thats close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I cant say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: Theres a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, Ive already told them so it doesnt matter anyway … just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh … alright … Up the arse!
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, were going live here, and sometimes these things happen. Weve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now well take a music break.
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife.
Well, tell me! the man said.
The policeman said, We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, Give me the bad news first.
So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wifes body in the San Francisco Bay.
Oh my god! said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, So whats the good news?
Well, said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.
If thats the good news, then whats the great news!?! he asked.
And the cop replied…
Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!
Life of a Senior Citizen…
Im the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
Im very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
Im usually interested in going home before I get to where Im going.
Im good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
Im awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
Im smiling all the time because I cant hear a word you are saying.
Im aware that other peoples grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
Im so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
Im not grouchy, I just dont like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
Im sure everything I cant find is in a secure place.
Im wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and thats just my left leg.
Im realizing that aging is not for sissies.
Im anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
Im going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
Im sure they are making adults much younger these days.
Im in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CDs, IRAs, AARP. . .
Im wondering . . If youre only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
Im supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
Im a walking storeroom of facts . . .Ive just lost the storeroom.
The invitation
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)