Q: Which one of the fishing equipment does a football players use?
A: a tackle box.
26
May
26
May
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, You shouldnt have done that to me.
26
May
What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
26
May
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, shed tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from ? she asked the nurse, Theyre very nice but Im a bit confused as to why Ive received them.
Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.
Ahhh, thats really nice said Lucy.
The second is from your husband – hes delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home. Apparently itll be the first time hes touched the sides for years and hes very excited!
Brilliant! said Lucy. And the third?
Thats from Eric in the burns unit said the nurse.
He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!
26
May
Q: How do you define confusion?
A: Fathers Day in Harlem
Q: Now define utter confuion?
A: A blind lesbian in a fish market.
26
May
Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other? A: An air mattress.
26
May
Two ghosts were having a conversasion in the graveyard.
the 1st one said yeh insaan log na…..
the other one interupted saying dekho,yeh insaan-vinsaan kuch nahin hota
26
May
A young man was talking to God. How long is a million years to You? he asked.
A million years to Me is like a single second to you, God replied.
How much is a million dollars to You? the young man asked.
A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you, God replied.
In that case, the young man ventured, Could I have one of Your pennies?
Certainly, My Son, God replied. Just a second.
26
May
Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do?. But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive?
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Rams horn sounds a long blast.
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didnt like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. Johns gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord…
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that the roar of Moses Triumph is heard in the hills.
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshuas Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Masters lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda … The Apostles were in one Accord.
This material is lifted from copyrighted columns written by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle and Roy Rivenburg of www.offkilter.org and the Los Angeles Times. Originally published on their Sept. 6, 2000, column, which was syndicated by Creators Syndicate and is available here.
26
May
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?
He said, I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldnt think straight. She smiled at him and said, So what are you thinking now?
He said, I think I did a pretty good job!