Old and New Jokes

There were two guys fishing in a boat. And they havent caught anything all day. Suddenly the one pulls up a old lamp and wipes it off. Out comes a genie. The genie says I will give you one wish what will it be? So the guy says turn the whole lake into beer. Poof the lake is beer. The guy turns to the other and says so what do you think of that, the other guy says I think your a fucking asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.

The one who says it cant be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)

6. Ive got a boyfriend (whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).

5. I dont date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Its not me, its you.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

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In response… The male perspective on the same issue …

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)

6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)

5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)

2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

Each year, the Washington Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.And the winner:Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an asshole.

How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Please…replacing low-cost units designed primarily to emit photons in the visible electromagnetic specrum is easy.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, But this is a dog. He said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too. Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said, I am looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.

Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally
find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it
only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They
decide, what the heck, its only one night and share the bed.

The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed
says, I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off.
The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. I had the same dream, too!

The guy who slept in the middle says, Well, I didnt have that dream. I
thought I was skiing!

A preacher visits an elderly woman of his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Mind if I have a few? he asks.

Not at all, the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher starts to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

Im totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really only meant to eat a few. Please let me purchase you some more.

Oh no, thats all right, the woman says. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes hell just say he weighs more or less.In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote your exact weight on the paper.