Old and New Jokes

First businessman: My business is so bad – I cant sleep at night.

Second businessman: My business is also bad, by I sleep like a baby: I wake up every two hours and cry.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL – SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARES PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF ITS IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES – CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND ITS MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS KELLOGGS POT TARTS – $1.99 box FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.

Please dont let me be late to church….

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again…

Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!

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One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?

Theyre smart pills son, said his father.

Eat them and theyll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!

See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!

You might be a redneck if…
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

They both know what Roy tastes like.

Love BoatEnterprise
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black BartenderBlack Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Ships doctor is a main character
Ships doctor is a main character
Julie the cruise director is sexy but annoying
Troi the ships councelor is sexy but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected
background of open sea
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background
of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call
Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening songCheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher)
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndicationIn late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilotBad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and flotation devices
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots
Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie)
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading dock; crew waves goodbye
Final scene takes place on transporter; crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels
and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they
got into an argument about what they were burying.

This heres a big mule! This aint no mule, this heres
a donkey.
Mule!
Donkey!

Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.
What are you boys doing?
Were diggin a grave for this mule.
Donkey, dammit!

The chaplain cut in, Boys, this isnt either one, its an ass!

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, What are
you men doing, digging a foxhole?
No sir, were diggin an asshole.

Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time.

Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors currently (doing time) in heaven.

As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.

When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention. Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

Obviously, Adam doesnt like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer. He works with the enormous data banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

Look here, Mr Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadnt made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, Why not call him up?

He calls up the lawyer.

Sir, according to our research you havent made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?

The lawyer responds, A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, Well, no sir, Im…

Does your research show that my sisters husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. Im terribly sorry…

Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. I am sorry sir, please forgive me…

The gall of you people! I dont give them anything, so why should I give it to you!