24
Dec

Well, it seems that these

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a
[ethnic], are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the
final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied
around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting
the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running
away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: 10, 9, 8,……

Just before the officer reaches 1, the American shouts,
Flood!

Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around
searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American
manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the American has made his way deep
into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no attempt
is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing the
Americans success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape. He
knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood trick
Again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: 10, 9, 8,
……

Just before the officer reaches 1, the German shouts,
Hurricane! Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles
and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion,
the German manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the German has made his way deep
into the woods. Again, of course, for the purposes of this joke, no
attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The [ethnic] is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his
predecessors successes, the [ethnic] decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood or
the hurricane tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: 10, 9, 8,

…… Just before the officer reaches 1, the [ethnic] shouts, Fire!

24
Dec

What is a Jewish American

What is a Jewish American Princesss favorite sexual position?

Facing Bloomingdales.

24
Dec

The town was so small

The town was so small the only way to get there was on a Lionel Train.

24
Dec

Maybe next time.

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part or a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congradulated him. And then he said Thats good son, maybe next time youll get a talking role!

24
Dec

Poetic Paradox

This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled.

One dark day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys began to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

If you dont believe this story is true;

ask the blind man; he saw it, too.

He lives on the corner in the middle of the block

in a two-story house on a vacant lot.

An empty truck loaded with bricks

ran over our dead cat and killed it.

24
Dec

Watch Where You Step

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

24
Dec

See Model Home

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

24
Dec

Cost of marriage

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

24
Dec

Whose country is it?

Found in Maps of the Mind, by Charles Hampden-Turner:

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, Carter is a horses ass! To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, Reagan is a horses ass! Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, Hey, fella! If this aint
Carter country and it aint Reagan country, whose country is it?

The cowboy replied, Son, this is horse country!

23
Dec

Yo mama has

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what youre saying.