Old and New Jokes

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, Now honey, youll be gentle with me wont you. You know that Im still a virgin.

This clearly surprises the man, What are you saying. Arent I your third husband?

The woman replied, Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since youre a lawyer, Im pretty sure that Im gonna get screwed!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as humans. Whatll it be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains. So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter? No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing. The weeks a freebie.

In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.

So be it, says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.

The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.

Why? asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Heres a small list…



If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee shes holding in her lap while driving,

she blames the restaurant.



If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,

you blame the rock n roll music or musician he liked.



If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

your family blames the tobacco company.



If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.



If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.



If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,

you blame the government for not providing clean ones.



If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.



And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.



I guess Ill just never understand the world as it is anymore…

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Twas the night before Y2K

and all through the house

we all were in hiding,

me, my kids, and my spouse.



The firewood piled

floor to ceiling with care

the cupboards all packed

with non-perishables to spare.



The windows were barred

to protect us from looters

our new generator is safe

cause it has no computers.



Weve bought lots of gold

should the dollar collapse

and run up those credit cards

right to the max

and just in case

the banks should all crash

we closed our account

and spent all the cash

on dried foods and water

for our Y2K stash.



As the clock ticked toward midnight

we knew wed soon learn

the doomsayers were right

it would all crash and burn.



Stretched out in my chair

with my gun in my lap

I decided to take a pre-Y2K nap.

I fell fast asleep

and then, without warning

I opened my eyes

and it was new years morning!



The lights were still on

the TV worked too

on all the news channels

there was nothing so new.



The only news

that sounded so bad

was the realization

Id been Y2K-had.

What I thought was survival

was now but a fad.

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day–Lets Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.

Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with Once upon a time?

They dont always, little one … Your dad begins his with:

… I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened …!

Q: Whats red and goes up and down?

A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?

A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?

A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?

A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?

A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?

A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?

A: The letter g.

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?

A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?

A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?

A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?

A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?

A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?

A: One more crack and Ill plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?

A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?

A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?

A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?

A: Ive got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?

A: Because her horns dont work.

Q. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

A. Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Dont be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner

6. You cant go wrong when you shield your dong

7. If youre not going to sack it, go home & whack it

8. If you think shes spunky cover your money

9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If youre going into heat, package your meat

13. When youre undressing your venus dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!