Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally
one club and two balls)
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well
formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment
for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a
private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
careful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course.
Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the
rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer
to continue to play several different courses.
My favourite two campus practical jokes:
1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that
flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene
(visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the rooms resident
retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later,
someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few
minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one,
and turns the light off … on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on
the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing
at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly
(by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing
their heads off).
2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling
practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got
a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light
bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the
firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victims room, the
other in the perpetrators.
That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light.
There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim
(quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light–BLAM! Well,
the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some-
thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrators room. He went over to
the perpetrators room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned
on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he
looked up at the light–BLAM!
Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator.
Fritz Nordby. fritz@vlsi.caltech.edu cit-vax!fritz
How do you know when Michael Jackson is having a party?
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
Youll never get that worm back in his hole, said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
Billy! Youre a genius, exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
Grampa, said the boy, You already gave me a dollar.
No, replied grampa, That dollars from grandma!
1:00 am – Alarm clock rings
2:00 am – Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am – Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am – Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am – Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am – Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am – Set up camp
6:05 am – Head for the woods
6:06 am – See eight deer
6:07 am – Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am – CLICK
8:00 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am – Head back to camp
12:00 NOON – Fire gun for help–eat wild berries
12:15 pm – Run out of bullets–eight deer come back
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm – Rescued
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm – Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm – Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm – Load gun–Leave camp again
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp–see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm – Load gun
6:02 pm – Fire gun
6:03 pm – One dead pick-up
6:05 pm – Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm – Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm – Fall into fire
6:10 pm – Change clothes–throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm – Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm – Pick-up boils over–hole shot in block
6:26 pm – Start walking
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm – Meet bear
6:36 pm – Take aim
6:37 pm – Fire gun, blow up barrel–plugged with mud
6:38 pm – Mess pants
6:39 pm – Climb tree
9:00 pm – Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight – Home at last
[Note – Copyright Paul Auger (pauger@gwi.net) – ed.]
As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM…
* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: Not worth wasting paper., and ejects your card.
* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: Account not found. and keeps your card.
* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!, and ejects your card clear across the room.
* You think youve got £100 in your account and go to take out £50, and the screen says: Not in this lifetime. and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
* You go to the ATM, and theres a picture of you a-la-Most Wanted staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well. -or-
Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldnt handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, How do you like the place?
Its okay, he said. But, they wont let me fart!
Youve been programming too long when:
When you are counting objects, you count in hexidecimal.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says If you dont turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: grep keys /dev/pockets
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
- In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
- In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.
- You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
- Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
- You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government… Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
- Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
- Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
- Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
- You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Annes War.
- What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
- Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, Sorry, I cant do it.
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. Sorry, I cant. he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test. The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man comes out of the room and says, Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!