A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a plater on his head and duct tape holding his shell together.
the bar man looks to him and says
what the hell is that thing
the man replies
this is the fasted turtle in the world
the barman
if it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 mins i will give you free drinks all evening
the man
its a deal
So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle and on the floor and watch it go then the bar man says go, and without any hesitation the man throughs his turtle across the bar bouncing off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor.
The man replies
two shots of vodka please.
Posted in Bar |
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Dont be sexist… broads hate that!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toothy!
Toothy who?
Toothy the day after Monday!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Burton!
Burton who?
Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey wont fit in this lock!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.
Posted in Redneck |
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we dont change anymore.
Posted in Lightbulb |
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.
The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…
Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife…
Posted in Bar |
A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.
Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.
Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, Duuuh! 15!.
Posted in Blonde |