Old and New Jokes

Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summers day?
A: Im bacon!

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the
word fuck. It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain,
displeasure, love and hate. In language fuck falls into many grammatical
categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive (Dave fucked Anne) and
transitive (Dave was fucked by Anne). As an adverb (Anne is a good fuck) and
also as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are not
many words with the versatility of fuck. Beside the sexual meaning of the
word, there are also the following:

Goodbye
Fuck off.

Greetings
How the fuck are you?

Fraud
I got fucked at the car auction.

Business
I hate this fucking job.

Chronology
Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Denial
I didnt fucking do it.

Dismay
Oh fuck it.

Suspicion
Who the fuck are you?

Confusion
What the fuck…?

Trouble
Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Apathy
Who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggression
Fuck you!

Difficulty
I dont understand the fucking job.

Directions
Fuck off.

Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?

Incompetence
He fucks up everything.

Lost
Where the fuck are we?

Relation
Up your fucking arse.

Oedipal
Motherfucker.

Famous Last Words Involving the Word Fuck

General Custer
Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?!

Mayor of Nagasaki
What the fuck was that?!

Captain of the Titanic
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

Where is all this fucking water coming from?!

Captain of the space shuttle Challenger
Put that fucking fag out!

Anne Boleyn
Whats a fuck?

Julius Caesar
Fuck tu, Brute!

Casanova
Boy, am I fucked!

Joan of Arc
Fuck me, its hot!

Captain of the Marie Celeste
Where the fuck is everyone?

Captain of The Herald of Free Enterprise
Fuck off, Im fishing!

Director of Chernobyl nuclear reactor plant
Oh fuck!

Emperor Nero
Wheres all that fucking smoke coming from?

Mayor of London, 1665
Oooh, fuck, a rat!

Baker, London, 1666
Fuck, I left the gas on…

Scott of The Antarctic
Fuck, is this cold!

Managing Director, Union Carbide plant, India
Fuck! What is that smell?

Witch doctor, village, kracatoa
Well, dont fucking blame me!

Henry VIII
Fuck? Of course, my dear…

Thomas a Becket
Where the fuck did you two spring from?

King Kong
Fuck, its a long way down!

Goliath
Fuck off shortarse!

Pharaoh, in pursuit of Moses and the Jews
Fuck the bridge, well take the shortcut!

Oedipus to his wife
Fuck Love, if mom could see me now…

Jaws
Fuck me, this tastes orrible!

Commander, Light Brigade
Who the fuck gave him the bugle?!

Harold of England (1066)
Fuck the French, they cant aim!

President Carter
No chance! He cant even fucking act!

John Lennon
Thats not a fucking real gun.

President Nixon
Whos going to fucking know?

Albert Einstein
Any fucking idiot could understand that.

Mayor of Hiroshima
What the fuck was that?

Picasso
It fucking does so look like her.

Pythagoras
How the fuck did you work that out?

Michelangelo
You want what on the fucking ceiling?

Walt Disney
Fuck a duck.

Noah
Scattered showers my fucking ass!

E.T.
Pick up the fuckin phone!

Spock
Fuck Logic!

Darth Vader
I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

Ghandi!
Fuck Im hungry!

Yoda
Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

The Pope is doing a crossword. After a few minutes the Pope exclaims to the man A female; four letters; blank, u, n, t.
Desperate not to offend the Pope, the man wracks his brain and a couple of minutes later, replies Aunt.
To which the Pope responds Oh yes, of course. Do you have any white out?

This is an actual jobapplication someone submitted at a fast-food establishment… NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than Im worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A guy goes in to see the doctor. He says, Doc, something terrible has
happened… youve got to help me! The doctor says, Whats the problem?

The guys says, Its kind of embarrassing, Doc–hard for me to talk about.
What if I just show you?

Doc says OK. The guy drops his pants and theres
this huge dick hanging down to his knees. The doctor says, Good grief, man,
when did this happen?

The guy breaks into tears and says, It started
shrinking about a week ago!

You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”

You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside.
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how … ?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestions: Defrost.
(But its *just* a suggestion)
On Tescos Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down.
(Oops, too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(As night follows the day …)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt this save even more time?)
On Boots Childrens Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope)
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(I gotta admit, Im curious)
On Sainsburys peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
(NEWS FLASH,Hello!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta)
On a childs Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I dont blame the company, I blame parents for this one)
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I cant see a thing.

Hmmm…thats an interesting optical reaction to sex, said the researcher. Would you mind if I had a look at it?

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!