Old and New Jokes

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.

A couple agreed that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the after life. The womans biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

The husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. Mary… Mary…

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

Well, what is it like?

Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.  And, then, I start all over again the next day.

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, Mary, Im a rabbit in Kansas.

Lutheran humorist the Rev. Paul Linterns Top 10 pick-up lines for a Christian:

Hi, this pew taken?
My prayers are answered.
Whats a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
Hi, angel!
Dont worry, Im attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
Im Episcopalian. Whats YOUR sign?
I think youre sitting on my Bible.
Read any good Bible passages lately?
So, worship here often?

Taken from clari.news.religion

Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked, What is zactly? The doctor said, Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

The company stock suddenly is worth something, then trading is halted before you can cash in.
Your management has just emphatically denied that any merger is currently being contemplated.
Your paycheck comes with the competitors logo.
The guy you used to yell at during trade shows is introduced as your new boss.
The address on your new business cards does not correspond to the location of the office you go to every day.
I work for the government, so merging with a competitor would probably mean storm troopers marching through the streets.
The customer service folks are told to stop telling customers that company X will cheat them on service contracts. Now theyre our service.
The owners daughter sends you an invitation to her wedding with the competitors son.
The product which your salespeople described not a long time ago as being a dangerous health hazard is now one of the leading products in your sales literature.
I got a very big raise. This makes me very paranoid. Two weeks ago, we had no money and way too much work to do. Last week, I am offered huge raise effective next month. I smell a data merge coming on.
Our URL links to their web site.
401k rollover papers on your desk Monday morning.
When someone quits to go work for a competitor, the company doesnt immediately escort him out of the building.
The resume I sent to our top competitor showed up at my present employer.
You hear about it on the morning news!

Dilbert © 1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy directions to the post office.

After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: If youll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

I dont think Ill be there, the boy said. You dont even know your way to the post office.

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads pull lever and end world. The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read… better Nate than Lever!

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford.

They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, I get the bed. Then another guy says, I get the bathroom. Then the last guy says, I guess I get the closet.

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said, It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

The daughter brings home her boy friend to meet the family. Things are getting serious. The father takes the boy aside:


What do you do for a living? he asks the boy.


Im a Torah scholar admits the boy.


Wonderful, but what are your plans? inquires the father.


I will be a Torah Scholar, says the boy.


How do you intend to support my daughter? the father asks.


I will study the Torah, and G-d will provide for us, says the boy.


Ok, but how will you provide, Baruch HaShem, for my grandchildren?


I will study the Torah and G-d will provide for all of us, says the boy.


After dinner, when the boy goes home, and the mother and father are in the privacy of their bedroom, the mother asks, Nu, how did it go?


Well, the father says, theres good news and bad news. The bad news is he has no means of support, but, the good news is, he thinks Im G-d.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?



A: I just love nuclear fission. What kind of bait do you use??