Old and New Jokes

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one thats so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?

The woman says, You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

CHINGAR YA ES BUENA PALABRA EN EL VOCABULARIO MEXICANO

Debido al auge en el uso de este hermoso vocablo en México, la Real Academia Española ha decidido aceptarla formalmente. Esta palabra puede ser utilizada en las siguientes formas:

DENOTANDO FRAUDE: ¡Me chingaron!

IGNORANCIA: ¡Sepa la chingada!

AMENAZA: Te voy a chingar.

PREPOTENCIA: Soy el más chingón.

DISTANCIA: ¡Hasta la quinta chingada!

DESPRECIO: ¡Vales para pura chingada!

CELOS: ¿Con quién chingados estabas?

INCONFORMIDAD: ¡Son chingaderas!

PETICIÓN: ¡Vete a la chingada de aquí!

CALIFICATIVO: Chingaquedito.

HOSTILIDAD: Y tú, ¿quién chingados eres?

FRUSTRACION: ¡Ah, qué bien chingas!

TERMINAL: Esto chingo a su madre.

INCERTIDUMBRE: ¿Y no nos irán a chingar?

CERTEZA: ¡Ya nos chingaron!

ADVERTENCIA: ¡Síguele y te va a cargar la chingada!

INCOMPETENCIA: No sé qué chingados hacer.

DISCRECIÓN: Ingao o Ínguesu.

ENOJO: ¡Qué vaya y rechingue a su madre!

COMPASIÓN: ¡Qué fea chinga le arrimaron!

TRIUNFALISMO: ¡Ya chingué!

DERROTISMO: Me chingué.

HUMORISMO: Está bien que chingues… Pero a tu madre la respetas.

DESPEDIDA: Vámonos a la chingada.

CHISME: ¿Supiste a quién se chingaron ayer?

ADMIRACIÓN: ¡Ta chingón!

ANTIMODERNISTA: Qué chinguita con los celulares.

INCREDULIDAD: ¡Ah chingao, chingao, chingao!

ABURRIMIENTO: Pos ah qué la chingada.

DENOTANDO UN ERROR: ¡Está de la chingada!

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, Well, I guess we
wont have a service today. The farmer replied: Heck, if even only one
cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Heres the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?

One of the memos came back with WGASA written on the bottom.

The planners loved it and the rest is history.

What the planners didnt know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between brides side and grooms side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, Maam did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, What did he say?

The old man yells, He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says, May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, What did he say?

The old man yells, He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman Ive ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

And the old man yells, He said he knows you!