Old and New Jokes

I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worms never glum. Its hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!

Confucius Say…

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judges lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a fuckin checking account.

To which the lady replied, I beg your pardon, what did you say?

Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin checking account right now.

Sir, Im sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank! The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, What seems to be the problem here?

Theres no damn problem, the man says, I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin checking account in this damn bank!

I see sir. . ., the manager said, . . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

What happened to Chelsea Clintons younger brother?

Monica swallowed him!

Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

Do you know why its called sex?

Because its easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

Un señor que sufría de hirsutismo (demasiado pelo en el cuerpo) acude al doctor. Este le pregunta: Dígame señor, ¿En qué le puedo ayudar?

El señor se quita la camisa y le muestra los brazos y el pecho diciéndole lloriqueando:

Mire doctor, pelo, pelo.

Se quita los pantalones y mostrando las piernas le dice llorando:

Pelo, doctor, pelo. Dígame ¿Qué padezco?

El doctor muy emocionado, con lágrimas le dice al paciente:

Padece usted un osito de peduche.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve oclock. She didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)

I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)