Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. Its a very handy thing, God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, Oh, give that to me! Id love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. Id be so great! When Im working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, Id be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…. On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldnt mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was… well, good.
Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. Whats left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…
Why do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can watch the battle.
The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their unproductive time.
Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.
For your timesheets:
Job number Explanation
———- ———–
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use
5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting
5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time
5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries
5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job
5370 Complaints
5370-100 Bitching about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems
5370-170 General Bitching
6370-180 Business Difficulties
5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100 Anticipation
5380-110 Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200 Personal Hygene
5380-210 Scratching Yourself
5380-220 Sleeping
5380-300 Personal Feelings
5389-310 Feeling Horny
5380-320 Feeling Bored
5380-330 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400 Meditation
5380-410 Staring Into Space
5380-420 Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430 Transcendental Meditation
5380-500 Fantasizing
5380-510 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530 Unproductive Fantasizing
5390 Networking
5390-100 Fictional Writing
5390-110 Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120 Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200 Technical Writing
5390-210 Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220 Sending Jokes around the Internet
5400 Event Planning
5400-100 Birthdays
5400-200 Anniversaries
5400-300 Vacations
5400-400 Weddings
This was sent to me in a more disorganized format. I reworked it and
organized it.
Carl Schelin
carl.schelin@hq.nasa.gov
Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Dub, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
Come have a look over here, says Neil, Its Obidiah Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.
Thats nothing, says Jeb, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.
Just then, Dub yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!
What was his name? asks Neil.
Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Austin.
What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
He sewed up the wrong hole, so now shes making money on the side.
Dog They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
Goldfish Just because I have a three-second memory, they dont think Ill mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!
Dog Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!
Goldfish The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!
Parrot Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!
Dog Human legs that just tease.
Cat Why are these people in my house?
Dog What the … HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?
Goldfish Oh, tap-tap-tap! Theres a new one!
What does a redneck say before he gets injured?
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that its his wifes birthday soon and he doesnt know what to get her.
The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didnt like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.
The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, a necklace and a vibrator.
Why? asks the second man.
To which the other man replies, Because if she doesnt like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.