Old and New Jokes

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and several tablespoons worth fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, What do you do for a living?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

Three women friend, one jewish and two gentiles, are killed in a fatal traffic accident. They arrive together in Heaven at the Pearly Gates and are met by St Peter.

St. Peter to the first woman Name?


First Woman Jane Smith


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right

St. Peter to the second woman Name?


Second Woman Ann Jones


St. Peter Enter the blue door on the right

St. Peter to the third woman Name?


Third Woman Rachel Rabbinowitz


St. Peter Enter the red door on the left


Third woman Hold on a minute St Peter. Ive been the best of friends with the other two women for the past thirty years ever since my husband died, in which time weve gone everywhere together and done everything together, even died together in the same crash and now your sending us of seperately. Why cant I go with my two pals so that we can still be together?


St Peter Dont you want to get your hair done first!!!

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?

The young man replies, A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!

Thats a lot of money, says the old man, shocked. Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside?

Sure, replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, Thats a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, Youre badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man moans and replies, Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

Q: How to communicate with a fish?

A: Drop him a line!

Un compadre le dice a otro:

¿No crees que cada día hay más maricones en el mundo?

No, ¿por qué?

Vamos a suponer, si yo te diera mil pesos ¿me darías las nalgas?

¡No, cómo cree compadre!

¿Y si te diera cien mil?

Ah caray, eso si está de pensarse.

Ya ve compadre, putos si hay, lo que no hay es dinero.

A ship was travelling over a rough sea when all of a sudden a violent storm broke out.

The people on the boat were extremely scared of being thrown overboard so they all went downstairs. When the big waves started throwing the ship around there were still three people on deck who refused to go downstairs.



After a few hard knocks the ship was turned upside down and sank. The only survivors were the three guys who stayed on deck who washed up on a deserted island.



The next morning the guys decided that they would have to live together in harmony and they made an agreement to be friends.



Two days later after the three guys had built a shelter and found some fresh water and fruit, a bottle washed up on the shore. One of the guys walked up the beach and brought the bottle back to the shelter for the others to see.



Blaze, the smartest of the three said they should open it. Jay, the strongest of the three grabbed the bottle and pulled at the cork wedged tightly in the top, but couldnt open it. So Blaze grabbed the cork as well and they pulled together, but it still wouldnt budge.



Finally, Joel the weirdest, oldest guy grabbed hold of the cork and they all pulled together.



Suddenly the cork flew of into the air followed by a shroud of smoke. When the thick smoke began to clear, there stood a huge Genie. The Genie said, I am the mighty Genie of the bottle and to thank you little humans for setting me free I will grant you each one wish.



Blaze, the smartest of the three said straight away, I want to be back home running my own University and every will see how smart I really am.



Jay, The strongest of the three thought for a second and said, I want to be back at home running the worlds largest gym and everyone will see how strong I really am.



Joel, the weird old guy sat on the beach for a few hours thinking and eventually fell asleep. When he woke he saw the huge Genie and jumped to his feet with fright.



Old foolish man I grow impatient, make your wish soon or suffer my wrath, said the Genie.



The old man was scared, but angry at the Genie for talking to him so rudely and said You shouldnt talk to elderly folk like that! I wish my friends Blaze and Jay were here to kick your fat arse then youd be sorry!



Then with a puff of smoke the Genie was gone and then Blaze, Jay and Joel sat together in the sand.

Old accountants never die – they just lose their balance.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, What are you charged with?

Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.

Thats no offense, said the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?

Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesnt believe in Santa Claus.

He *is* Santa Claus

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

There is a blonde in a boat, in the middle of a field, rowing away. Another blonde drives by in her car and sees the women, in the boat, in the field rowing away.

The blonde in the car stops, jumps out and yells, Hey you… Its women like you who give blondes a bad name!! And if I knew how to swim I would come out there and KICK YOUR ASS!!!