EU Directive 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase Spending a Penny is not to be used after 31st December 2001.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: Euronating .
Thank you for your attention.
San Pedro llama a un ángel y le dice:
Esta mañana tengo que ir a hacer un par de trámites a una nube, asà que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.
El ángel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a quién tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:
Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aquà tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien dólares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aquà tienes mi número de móvil por si hay algún problema.
San Pedro se va, y pasa la mañana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el teléfono. Es el ángel:
Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un tÃo que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ¿Puedo ver un poco? Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto decÃa ¡Hum, qué interesante!, y cogÃa un billete de cien y marcaba la página; y asà hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?
Déjalo pasar, hijo, que ése es del Opus…
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So what happened thats so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm…
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..
A married couple were golfing in thier front yard. The guy hits two balls and one of them lands in the window across the street. The girl did not notice. She went up to the T and she hit the same window in the same house. The girl felt guilty and said to the husband to get say sorry. They went to the house and knocked on the door, but no one answered, the door just flew open. They made their way up stairs to where their balls had it. When they opened the door a genie-like man was standing there. He said When your golf ball hit you hit my lamp and set me free. for this I give you 3 wishes The man said I want a mansion the genie replied Your mansion is built in your old house The girl sais I want to be richest person alive The gnie replied all of the money you want is in your mansion For the third wish they wished to be famous. The genie replied you are now famous. The couple was all happy now. They were walking out the genie asked them if he can have something in return for giving them all the nice stuff. The Man said like what. can I sleep with you life for one night. The man said yes with no regrets. The guy sat outside for an hour waiting for his wife. When they were finished the Genie said And you still believe in Genies?
All I ask of Life is a constant and
exaggerated sense of my own importance.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
NB: this reads best out loud.
Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.
They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were really Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect.
They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.
Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing – and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.
Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. Food OK? he asked.
The meal is fine, replied one of the Jews, but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?
The waiter thought for a moment. Dont know, he admitted. Ask cook. And he vanished into the kitchen.
After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. So sorry, he began. Cook say no Chinese Jews.
Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice.
You might be a redneck if…
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
The man responded, Ten pounds.
The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.
Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.
The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.
He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?
Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.
Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, Im screwed.
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: Okay…….NOW youre screwed!
You might be a redneck if…
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.