Old and New Jokes

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells No, honey, dont do it. The blond replies Shut up, youre next.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sherwood!
Sherwood who!
Sherwood like to come in!

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

George Carlins Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. Im not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. Im in shape. Round is a shape.

4. Im desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. Ive always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if youve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isnt your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you its because theyre such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, Dont you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too!

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: “NO NERDS.” He shrugs it off and enters. Hes greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, Im a truck driver,” he replies. Hes allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “its nerd season.” “Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused. “Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so weve opened up nerd season.” So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerves to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesnt know what to do. Hes gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP!STOP!” “What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season.” “Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you cant bait em!”

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husbands early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if theyre really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear We need to talk about our relationship. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that theyre nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men dont get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, Im so embarrassed; get me out of here. Theres another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Most men hate to shop. Thats why the mens department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If youre dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right, if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders outfits get tighter and briefer, and players shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? Hows my car?
If a man says, Ill call you, and he doesnt, he didnt forget … he didnt lose your number … he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. Get out and I never want to see you again might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, I love you … I want to marry you … I want to have your children. Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: Mitch, you look great. Mitch: Thanks. On the other side: Ruth, you look great. Ruth: I do? Must be the lighting.
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when shes wearing a jumpsuit.
Men dont feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Womens dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
Thats why men need instant replays in sports. Theyve already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.

You might be a redneck if…
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
mid air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooges surcease.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving
a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several
places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A wacky character has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-
pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a
few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

A wife comes in and yells, Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery! Her husband yells back, Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains? The wife replies, I dont care! Just get the hell out!

What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman?

A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra.


A Jewish woman urges her husband to invest in Pfizer.