Old and New Jokes

A man went to his doctor and said, I want to be castrated.

What? said the doctor, surely you dont want that.

Yes, said the man, thats what I want; I insist.

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

Oh, I was circumsized, the man said.

Son of a bitch! Thats the word I was looking for!

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2

Light meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible churchs focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink.

So he replied, Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone.

So the guy accepted and walked away.

A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says, Bartender, Id Like a brewsky.

Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip.

He slamed down the mug and said,I fell like a stud bull! and the gay guy said,Mooo!

One day in the class room the teacher told the class were going to play a moral of the story game.

Instantly Johnny raised his hand, the teacher looked over and thought to herself no I wont pick Johnny hell have something to do with sex or swearing, so the teacher picked Betty.

Betty started by saying, one day I went out to collect the eggs from the chicken coop and dropped them.

The teacher asked and whats the moral to that story?

Betty said dont count your chickens before they hatch.

The teacher looked around the room and deiced alright Johnny.

Johnny started off by saying, one day my dad was in nam his LT. told him he had to take that hill and hold it at all costs, so my dad sat down pounded a 5th a whiskey ran up the hill and killed everybody.

The teacher looked up shocked and said, alright whats the moral of that story?

Johnny simply sat back and said DONT FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HES BEEN DRINKING.

Dos compadres pasaban por un callejón y un tipo se les acerca con una jeringa diciéndoles: denme el dinero o les inyecto el SIDA.

Uno de los compadres empieza a darle el dinero, pero el otro se niega, retando al asaltante: no; inyéctame lo que quieras, pero a mí nadie me roba.

¿Qué hace, compadre?, le pregunta el otro angustiado, mientras el agresor le inyecta todo el contenido de la jeringa.

Cuándo el delincuente se aleja, le pregunta: ¿por qué dejó que lo inyectaran, compadre?

No se preocupe compadre, traía puesto un condón, le contesta el otro.

(Jaime Alejandro Arjona Tamez)

Una pareja de maricas está haciendo el aseo de la casa, cuando, de pronto, uno grita:

¡Manuela! ¡Manuela!

¡Pero que te pasó! ¿Qué paso?

¡Ay, ay!

¿Qué pasó? ¿Qué pasó?

¡Una araña! ¡Una araña!

¿Te picó?

¡No, pero me hizo unos ojos!

Un árabe y un amigo extranjero están conversando:

¿Cómo puedes hacer el amor con las cuarenta esposas que tienes? Seguramente es muy cansado ¿no?, pregunta el forastero.

No, no es cansado, amigo, al contrario: es muy fácil, asegura el árabe.

Entonces, ¿cuál es el secreto?

Sencillo, a las cuarenta las colocó una encima de la otra; luego, a la última le hago el amor y a las restantes les pongo papel carbónico.

En una carretera campestre, un matrimonio viaja con su hijo de ocho años de edad. Al salir de una curva, el pequeño alcanza a ver un indio con el brazo derecho levantado y sosteniendo con la mano a un tejón por la cola, que hacía grandes esfuerzos para soltarse sin lograrlo. Sobre su cabeza se leía en un letrero mal pintado:

TEJONES A $100.

El chiquillo inmediatamente le pide a su padre que se pare, y el auto se detiene frente al puesto de venta de tejones. El niño corre a observar los tejones, mientras el padre y la madre discuten el precio con el indio. De pronto, el niño pregunta:

Disculpe, señor, ¿cómo se cogen los tejones?

El hombre se le queda viendo; se vuelve a ver a los padres del niño y nuevamente al niño y, finalmente, contesta:

Mira niño, el tejoncito comienza a corretear a la tejoncita y cuando ésta ya no puede correr más, la va acorralando y luego se le acerca por detrás y le levanta la…

El padre, al ver que la pregunta de su hijo fue mal interpretada, aclara:

No, no, señor, mi hijo se refiere a cómo se cazan.

Asombrado, el tipo se le queda viendo al padre y luego al niño aclarándole:

No, niño, los tejones no son pendejos, ellos no se casan, nomás se cogen.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alberta!
Alberta who!
Albertall be over in a minute!

Whats the new game theyre playing in the White House?

Swallow the Leader.