Old and New Jokes

What do they call abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech

Dont force it, get a larger hammer.

You can GET chocolate.
If you love me, youll swallow has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies, even when its gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard, chocolate doesnt mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate, theres never any need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate late at night, it doesnt keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate, size doesnt matter and its always great.

What Is The Fastest Sea Animal On the Earth?


A cuban Swimming Away From The Coast Guard.

A computer can wait forever for you.
A computer doesnt compare you with its past users.
A computer doesnt get calls from its past users while youre logged in.
A computer doesnt mind how excited you get.
A computer doesnt tell you how completely terrific its past users have been.
A computer is big in all the right places.
A computer never forgets your birthday.
A computer wont ask, Are you in?
A computer wont ask, Is there another computer?
A computer wont even talk about marriage.
A computer wont fall in love with you just because you have sex.
A computer wont get bitchy if youre slow to respond.
A computer wont grade you on how much you send it.
A computer wont look through your checkbook.
A computer wont mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
A computer wont say, Lets just be friends.
A computer wont shave with your razor.
A computers maintenance personnel dont cross-examine you every time you log in.
Computers are easy to turn on.
Computers are ready when you are.
Computers are very responsive.
Computers arent into finding out how far youll go to keep your account.
Computers do everything you tell them to.
Computers dont care about age differences.
Computers dont care if youre married.
Computers dont get pregnant.
Computers dont get upset if you use other computers.
Computers dont insist on foreplay.
Computers dont make you meet their parents.
Computers dont mind if you share them with a friend.
Computers dont mind spending hours on the phone with you.
Computers dont play head games unless you ask them to.
Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
Computers never have headaches, or take rain checks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
Computers wont mind if you dont like their friends.
If you dont like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.
Size doesnt count to a computer.
The average computer session lasts four hours.
With a computer, you never have to say youre sorry.
You can log into several computers at once.
You can turn off a computer.
You can visit a computer any time you like, and itll be up and ready for you.
You dont have to tell computers you love them.

A guy comes to the US embassy to ask for a visa. When he reaches the sex question he fills in once or twice a week.

The clerk at the desk sees the answer and says: You should have filled in Male or Female!

Its doesnt matter to me, which one., answered the guy.

President

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.

Executive Vice President

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Division Manager

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

Plant Manager

Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Sales Manager

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by a locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

Salesman

Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.

Production Manager

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, Look at the choo-choo.
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

Controller

Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths.
One was marked Women and the other marked Men. He took the path assigned to
men.

There were two more paths, one marked Married Men, the other Unmarried Men.
Because Albert had been married he took the corresponding path and then came
upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their
Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Not Dominated By Their Spouses. The
first gate had an endless line of chaps waiting, but only one little guy stood
before the second gate.

Albert found this very interesting, so he walked up to the little guy standing
all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little guy like you?

The smallish fellow replied, I have not any clue. My wife told me to stand
here.

PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive… DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!

Vatican Rescinds Blessed Status of Worlds Meek- Screw the Meek, Says Pope

VATICAN CITY–In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional blessed status of the worlds meek.

Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, Blessed are the meek, said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this blessed status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated.

Screw the meek, the pope added.

Citing two millennia of inaction and non-achievement by the worlds impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meeks historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted bad faith on their part.

Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth, the Supreme Pontiff said. For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints.

Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.

The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now, said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Churchs spiritual welfare checks for long enough.

Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy, Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montréal said. Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers.

The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the worlds Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.

The meeks blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, the Pope said, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.

In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.

According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and Gods everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become Gold Circle members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.

We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary, Vittorio said. If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it wont be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.

The Lord will provide, of course, the pope said. But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean.

You might be a redneck if… Northern city-dwellers mock your isolated rural heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your supposed appetite for fornication with family relations, and your almost simian intelligence to further demean you.