Old and New Jokes

Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everyone gets a turn.

Una lora iba a ser bautizada, pero un día antes la lora le dijo a madre que si podía salir a dar una vuelta y ella le dijo:

Solo si prometes no memorizarte nada.

Y la lora distraída dice:

Lo que tu digas.

Minutos más tarde la lora va volando y escucha a un tipo hechándose un baldado de agua y este dice: QUE HIJUEPUTA AGUA TAN FRIA y la lora se lo memorizó. Más adelante en una pelea un hombre le lanza un puñetazo al otro y al éste esquivarlo dice MARICA, SI NO ME AGACHO ME LO PEGAS y la lora se lo memorizó. Después, en un campo un paisano arriando unas vacas grita ARRE, HIJUEPUTAS, ARRE. Tras esto una vaca cae y otro paisa le grita METANLE UN REJO POR EL CULO A VER SI SE DESPIERTA y la lora se lo graba todo.

Al otro día en la iglesia el padre le da el agua bendita a la lora y ésta al sentirla dice QUE HIJUEPUTA AGUA TAN FRIA. El padre al oir esto le lanza la biblia y la lora dice MARICA, SI NO ME AGACHO ME LO PEGAS

Todo el mundo forma un alboroto incrible y la lora grita ARRE, HIJUEPUTAS, ARRE.

Al oir esto la madre se desmaya y la lora finalmente grita:

METANLE UN REJO POR EL CULO A VER SI SE DESPIERTA.

Ok well a guy whos still in college still shares his room with his little brother. He has the top bunk and his brother has the bottom. One day him and his girlfriend come home and they go to the top bunk and you know things start heating up. Then he remembers about his little brother so he says to his girlfriend if you want it harder say tomato and if you want a different position say lettuce. so then LETTUCE! TOMATO! LETTUCE! etc… Then his little brother wakes up and says Hey quit making sandwiches your two, your getting mayonase all over me!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that its a pretty good working solution. No no, says the physicist, theres a better way. He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: No, no, theres an even better way. To the others amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

I define myself to be on the outside.

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He cant help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice what a large penis you have. The short man replies, I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. OK, He says, I want to live in a mansion. The short man replies, Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says, Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend. OK, the short man replies, Tomorrow you will wake up next to her. The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

I want a penis as large as yours. Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. Whats that, the man asks? I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. OK, go right ahead. The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, I cant believe Im gonna have a penis as big as yours.

The short man replies, I cant believe you thought I was a leprechaun!

This one was told to me by my penpal Mary Ellen Duff, to whom
it was told by some enigmatic fellow named Dave…

An ignorant but well-meaning tourist was visiting a small
Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly
displaying twenty alligator teeth slung about his neck in
a decorative fashion.

I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value
pearls, said the tourist.

More so, said the native. Anyone can open up an oyster.

This joke was first told by a friend of mine, Dom Clark:

Q. How could you tell E.T. was a protestant?

A. Because he looked like one.

A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, How to Master Your Wife.The salesgirl looked at him and said, Our science fiction section is right upstairs.

Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

A: The ZIP Code.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays.
Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called
and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as
he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that
last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a
note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out
with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass
with a note that says, For Santa. 🙁
Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well.
They always return to the scene of the crime.
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red
nose! and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that youre sorry, but from a distance,
he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While hes in
the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like
youve been trampled. Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say,
This neighborhood aint big enough for the both of us.