Old and New Jokes

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Heres the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?

One of the memos came back with WGASA written on the bottom.

The planners loved it and the rest is history.

What the planners didnt know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between brides side and grooms side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, Maam did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, What did he say?

The old man yells, He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says, May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, What did he say?

The old man yells, He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman Ive ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

And the old man yells, He said he knows you!

Q: How do you change a blondes mind?

A1: Blow in her ear.

A2: Buy her another beer.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Bill replies, I see millions of stars.

What does that tell you? asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the

morning.

Theologically, its evident the

Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, Bill, you stupid moron, someone has stolen our tent.

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?

Because the Bears blow!

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. But, he said to the salesperson, I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the Z replaced with an S? The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, Wow, look at that S-car-go.