Did you hear about Oles cross-eyed teacher.
She had trouble keeping her pupils straight.
Ole said, My wife just left me for my best friend.
Ole, Sven said compassionately, you poor man.
Sven, I will sure miss that guy.
16
Feb
16
Feb
A lawyer had a client who was accused of bank robbery. He was caught with the money shortly after he left the bank. He stood and addressed the bench.
Your honor, my client is innocent of bank robbery. He was actually borrowing the money. He wanted to open an account at another bank which offered higher interest rates and needed at least $10,000. He would have paid back the money in a few years.
16
Feb
Q: Why dont blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they cant get their head in the jar.
16
Feb
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
- You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party
but find there arent any. - Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
- You turn on the news and theyre showing emergency routes
from the city. - Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as
you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway. - You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and
then realize you dont have a waterbed. - Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You call your answering service and youre told to mind
your own business. - Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
- Your tax refund check bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
- Your wife says Good Morning, Bill and your name is
George.
16
Feb
Old generals never die,
they just lose their privates.
Old programmers never die,
they just lose their memory.
Old netters never die,
they just lose their bandwidth.
Old computers never die,
they just lose their MIPs.
Old grave diggers never die,
they just smell like it.
16
Feb
Beauty is only a light switch away.
– Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
Ive decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
– Houghton Library, Harvard University.Cambridge,Massachusetts.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
– the Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.
– mens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, IL
A Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.
– womenss restroom, Dicks Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
– mens Room, Lindas Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
– Bentleys House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
– written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
– womens restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
– the Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
– Revolution Books. New York, New York.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldnt it be better if he had invested?
– mens restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
– mens restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
16
Feb
This joke could be offensive to Norwegians, but I can assure you its not.
Any Norwegian reader would just tell an even better joke about a Swede instead.
Read in a book about the Joke-war between Norway and Sweden.
Its mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA
for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador
to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort.
He is just about getting familiar with his
work, but hes not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..
– Yees… he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.)
– Good morning Mr Ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times.
Id like to know what you want for a Christmas present.
– Eh, Sveind (Yes, thats his name) said. Christmas present… Eh…
Im very sory Mike, I cant accept any gifts, but tanks anyway.
– Yes, of course… I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he
didnt understand at all, Bye then.
– Good bye Mike.
The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon
forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring.
The next morning the phone rings again.
– Yes, Sveind speaking.
– Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. Im
wondering if youre really serious about what you said yesterday?
– Ah.. Hello… Eh. Yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, vere not
allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and
I dont vant to cause any scandal. Im very sorry, but I hope you understand.
– Yes, of course.. Sorry… Bye.
– Good bye.
That was funny, Sveind thought. Didnt he believe what I said? Maybe some
misunderstanding. After all my pronunciation isnt the best.
The next morning the phone rings again.
– Yes, Sveind heere.
– Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?
– Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritation. I thought I
explained vhy I cant accept any gifts.
– Yes you did, but I dont think you….
– Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell.
Vhat do you vant really? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you
vont have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No… Vait a
minute. Now I know. I vant a fruit bowl (He is sure a fruit bowl
is absolutely harmless, and wont cause any scandal.)
– A fruit bowl?? Are you serious??
– Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bowl?
– No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe..
– Unusual?? Vell that doesnt matter, does it?
– No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye.
– Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas.
A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times.
What the foreign ambassadors here want for Christmas
During a few hectic days, Ive been calling all the embassies here, and asking
the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result.
EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:
Great Britain. Good economic welfare.
Western Germany. Even better east-west relations
France. Free trade between Europe and USA.
Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations.
Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world.
Belgium. Better environmental care.
Norway. A fruit bowl.
Mike Giordano.
16
Feb
The Yoko Club? – Oh no.
The German philosophy club? – I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? – Pardon me?
The Arafat club? – Yessir.
The Alzheimers club? – Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? – Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? – You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? – Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? – Noh.
The quarterback club? – Ill pass.
The Rhett Butler club? – I dont give a damn.
The compulsive rhymers club? – Okey-dokey.
The Spanish optometrists club? – Si.
The anti-perspirant club? – Sure.
The pregnancy club? – Conceivably.
The Procrastinators Club? – Maybe next week
The Self Esteem Builders? – They wouldnt accept me anyway
The Agoraphobics Society? – Only if they meet at my house
The Co-Dependence Club? – Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? – God willing!
16
Feb
(Read in a Turkish newspaper:)
Old west… A bar… All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and
a cowboy in black enters… Black hat, black foulard, black shirt,
black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black
pair of guns…
Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and
asks:
Do you have a bucket?
Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in
black looks to the bucket, and orders:
Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey.
Seconds later:
Pour them into the bucket.
And, then:
And now, bring this to my horse outside.
The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black
tells.
He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely
in black harness. It drinks all the whiskey at once.
Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully
looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:
What do I owe for this?
Barman, while calculating the price, asks:
Wont you drink anything?
The cowboy in black replies:
No. I dont drink and drive.
16
Feb
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.