Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

A Hillbilly familys only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why dont you speak some math fer us?Ok, Pa, the son said then, Pi R squared.After a moment the Dad said, Why son, they aint teached ya nothin! Pie are round, cornbread are square.

Download a piece of Web authoring software: 20 minutes.

Think about what you want to write on your Web page: 6
weeks.

Download the same piece of Web authoring software,
because they have released 3 new versions since the first
time you downloaded it: 20 minutes.

Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on
your site: 1 minute.

Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them
that you like: 4 days.

Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails,
download it again: 25 minutes.

Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar
buttons to see what they do: 15 minutes.

View the source of others pages, steal some, change a
few words here and there: 4 hours.

Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software:
1 minute.

Try to horizontally line up two related images: 6
hours.

Remove one of the images: 10 seconds.

Set the texts font color to the same color as your
background, wonder why all your text is gone: 4 hours.

Download a counter from your ISP: 4 minutes.

Try to figure out why your counter reads You are
visitor number 16.3 E10: 3 hours.

Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text: 8 hours.

Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page
on your ISP: 40 minutes.

Accidentally delete your complete web page: 1 second.

Recreate your web page: 2 days.

Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your
ISPs server: 3 weeks.

Call a patient friend to find out about FTP: 30
minutes.

Download FTP software: 10 minutes.

Call your friend again: 15 minutes.

Upload your web page to your ISPs server: 10 minutes.

Connect to your site on the web: 1 minute.

Repeat any and all of the previous steps: eternity.

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. Excuse me, she said to the manager. My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and Id like a small room for two weeks.

Im awfully sorry, he replied, but all of our rooms are occupied. Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

What luck, said Mrs. Goldstein. Now theres a room.

Not so fast, madame. Im sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.

Jewish? Whos Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.

I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?

Jesus, Son of Mary.

Where was he born?

In a stable.

And why was he born in a stable?

Because a schmuck like you wouldnt let a Jew rent a room in his hotel.

An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

Where did you get such a nice bike? asked the first.

The second Aussie replied,
Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
Take what you want.

The first Aussie nodded approvingly.

Good choice, the clothes probably wouldnt have fitted.

En un partido de fútbol entre Colombia y Argentina cuyo marcador es 0 a 0, un narrador argentino dice:

Colombia cero goles… ARGENTINA CERO GOOOOOLAAAAAAZZZZOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

Many of us have heard the story of the time in 1992 when Clinton went on Mtv and some girl asked him America is _dying_ to know: Is it boxers, or briefs? The candidate then feigned embarrassment and said Boxers.

In 1995, some guy decided to ask Speaker Newt the same question. Newt appropriately answered back That was a stupid question.

This year, someone decided that America must know what citizen Dole wears. Is it boxers, or briefs? With a straight face he answered back, Depends…

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbors house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldnt help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

Yeah? So? his hulking neighbor replied.

Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. OK, the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wifes tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

Well, come on already, kiss em! he growls.

I cant replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

Why not? demands the husband, getting really angry now.

I dont have ten thousand dollars!

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer
to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Cant cluck, cant fly, and cant lay eggs, but you can carry it
across the road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you dont dip it
in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Dont you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so theres no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as its finished, assuming
hes re-elected and the Republicans dont gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.

IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN

PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD

VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL

ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE

ELSE

GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING