Old and New Jokes

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after youre dead.

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Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

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Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

A. Look! They spelled MACYs wrong!

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Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A. Her blinker was on.

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Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?

A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

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Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?

A. She fell out of the tree

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Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?

A. So they dont moo-moo when you pull on their tits.

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Q. How do blonde brain cells die?

A. Alone.

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…and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping!

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

Momma, look what I found, the boy called out.

What have you got there, dear? his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boys voice he answered, Its Adams suit!!

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Whats the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?

A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,A penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh, I was thinkin … perhaps its aboot time for a wee kiss.

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh I was thinkin … perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh I was thinkin … perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg.

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

The young man knit his brow. Well, now, he said, My thoughts are a bit more serious this time.

Really? said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

Aye, said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Dinna ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears its true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

AGENT: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

PIZZA MAN: And where would you like them delivered?

AGENT: Were over at the psychiatric hospital.

PIZZA MAN: The psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats right. Im an FBI agent.

PIZZA MAN: Youre an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats correct. Just about everybody here is.

PIZZA MAN: And youre at the psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats correct. And make sure you dont go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PIZZA MAN: And you say youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. How soon can you have them here?

PIZZA MAN: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats right. Weve been here all day and were starving.

PIZZA MAN: How are you going to pay for all of this?

AGENT: I have my checkbook right here.

PIZZA MAN: And youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

PIZZA MAN: I dont think so.

CLICK!!!

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!