Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the brides toast and coffee, she said, Honey, I dont understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like youve encountered a buzz saw.
That guy, said the bride, double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!
Estaban tres elefantes en medio de la selva echadotes porque hacÃa mucho calor.
Uno de ellos dice: Yo quisiera tener las orejas muy muy grandes.
Los otros dos le preguntan: para que las quieres?
Ahhh, pues para hechar mucho aire con ellas y asà refrescarnos un poco.
Otro de los elefantes dice entonces:
Pues yo quisiera tener la trompa bien laaarga.
¿Y para qué la quieres? dicen los otros dos.
Ahhh, pues para que llegara hasta el rÃo y asi echarnos agua sin levantarnos.
Entonce el tercer elefante dice:
Pues yo quisiera tener unas pestañotas largas y bien chinas.
¿Y eso para qué? preguntan los otros.
Y el elefante contesta:
Ahh, pues nada mas de joto (gay).
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever!
You might be a redneck if…
You take a bath in a water trough.
Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.
If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
If you use your front porch as a stand for deer hunting.
If you have two refigerators – one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.
You pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
You remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.
George came home one day, very excited.
Do you know what they are saying? he asked his wife Jean, they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!
Jean responded That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!
One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground.
Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly.
When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workmans hand and ernestly says Sir, we will share this just like Russian – Polish comrades should and the Polish guy says, Oh no, 50 – 50!