Dont think of him as a Republican, think of him as the man I love; and if that doesnt work, think of him as the man who can crush you.
— John F. Kennedy Jr., on how cousin Maria Shriver introduced uncle Teddy Kennedy to hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Source: Yucks
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Rogets Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied …
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got one in my Yugo!
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, Yes I have a phone.
The driver of the Yugo says, Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? Ive got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.
The driver of the Yugo says, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!
The driver of the Yugo says, Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there isnt any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in
battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his
bedside. So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?
The doctor says, Son, we have some good news and some bad news.
Yeah, what? replies the patient.
Well the good news is that we were able to save your private
parts.
Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?
We put them under your pillow!
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.
None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.
Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married.
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
A cincuenta metros de la playa, una chica, a punto de ahogarse, grita desesperada pidiendo ayuda. Una multitud de bañistas se acerca a la orilla a observar a la pobre mujer. En eso, un anciano que en su juventud practicó deportes se lanza al mar y con unas cuantas brazadas llega a rescatar a la chica; la toma con un brazo y con el otro nada de regreso. Al llegar a la playa, el octogenario, cansado, se desploma junto a la mujer. La muchacha se recupera de inmediato y se levanta mostrando un escultural cuerpo cubierto sólo por un minúsculo biquini de hilo dental. Se acerca al anciano y coquetona le agradece:
¡Buen hombre, no tengo con qué pagarle lo que hizo por mÃ!
Recorriéndola con la mirada de arriba abajo, el viejo alcanza a decir:
¡Sà tienes, y mucho, él que no tiene con qué cobrar soy yo!
Cuando Dios hizo el mundo, para que los hombres prosperaran decidió darles dos virtudes: A los Gringos los hizo ordenados y respetuosos de la ley; a los Ingleses, tenaces y estudiosos; a los Japoneses, trabajadores y pacientes, y asà sucesivamente.
Cuando llegó a los Nicaragüenses, le dijo al ángel, que anotara en una planilla lo siguiente: Estos van a ser inteligentes, honestos, y Arnoldistas.
Cuando terminó de hacer el mundo, el ángel le llamó la atención y le dijo: Santo Padre, tú has dado a todos los pueblos del mundo dos virtudes, pero a los nicaragüenses les has dado tres. Eso hará que ellos prevalezcan por encima de todos los otros pueblos de la tierra.
Caramba dijo el Señor, ¡¡es cierto!!, pero como los dones de Dios no deben quitarse, deberemos remediar esto. A partir de hoy los Nicas conservarán esas tres virtudes, pero para no prevalecer por sobre los demás, ninguno podrá ejercer más de dos virtudes simultáneamente.
Es por eso, que desde ese momento, el Nica que es Arnoldista y honesto, no puede ser inteligente; el que es inteligente y Arnoldista, no puede ser honesto, y el que es inteligente y honesto, jamás podrá ser partidario de Arnoldo Alemán.
Moraleja: Dios sabe muy bien hacer sus cosas
One day an elephant steps on a mouse. The elephant says that he will do anything to make up for it. The mouse gets up and starts riding the old girl. Some chimps see it and throw the elephant with mangos. The elephant says :Ouch! And the mouse says: Take it all, bitch!
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts wed have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Yall come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking where do you want to go today? its more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad
Youve ever said the phrase, Civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.