Old and New Jokes

What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?

She said a mouthful.

I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I was
just strangling an ostrich.

– Craig Stacey

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctors advice because his breath smells terrible.

The doctor examines him and says: Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids!

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf, says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. My what big ears you have Mr Wolf, says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf, taunts RRH.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.
I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.
Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.
Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
Do I look like a people person?
This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

In a move that shocked all economic forecasters, the nation of Isreal, bought two tire companies that fell into financial trouble. Goodyear and Firestone. In an effort to change the public image of both and give them a much needed make over, they were both renamed and a new logo created. Goodyear became Goodberg and Firestone became Firestien. the new logo; Tires so good, not only can they stop on a dime, but they can also pick it up. 🙂

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, There must be something youre doing that you havent told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

Well, she said a little sheepishly, my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

Thats got to be it, said the doctor. There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

Not if youre going to watch T.V. there aint, she replied.

Log On:Making the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:Dont add wood.
Monitor:Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:When youre not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
Floppy Disk:What you get from piling too much wood.
RAM:The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive:Getting home in mud season.
Prompt:What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows:What to shut when its 30 below.
Screen:What you need for black fly season.
Byte:What black flies do.
Chip:What to munch on.
Micro Chip:Whats left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared:Where the leftovers go when Freds around.
Modem:What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:Farmer Matrixs wife.
Lap Top:Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard:Where you hang your keys.
Software:Plastic eating utensils.
Mouse:What eats the horses grain in the barn.
Main Frame:The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port:Fancy wine.
Enter:Cmon in!
Random Access Memory:You cant remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. You look great tonight! it said. You really look fantastic – And that after shave is just wonderful! The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, youre almost as ugly as your mother!

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

Ah yes sir, the bartender responds. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.


Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.


Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?


They draw straws.


Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.


They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.


Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.


Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.


Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.


She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!


Rippington says, Ill tell him.